Gleeful for Monday

After spending a weekend with Frank I was ready for something a little less taxing on the mind and body.. I had a good day with my kids, we tore some TAKS problems up, and started out paper making process.. (Very cool activity for kids, on Friday when the paper is dry my kids will write a letter to someone their care about and/or someone who has made a difference in their life).. I have great ideas while driving..

Giving and receiving gifts is always a blessing. I personally like to give than receive but there are a few special moments when I receive something that is amazing. Last night I was given a new hat, and it is beautiful. A new special friend presented it to me with all her pride and anticipation and was elated that I love it.. Her happiness was my own for that I am blessed..

Sunday's happy moments

I had a really good weekend.. Frank came into town and we went shopping, to a lebsian Christmas party (my first and with Frank, which is funny at sight), and out to a local club.. Spending time with Frank is always fun, adventurous, energizing, crafty, and a bit frustrating. But, spite all that we enjoyed each other a lot.. and we didn't even kill each other which was a little surprising, but I guess our friendship has grown exponentially and we have a mutual understanding and respect for each other. Having friends who have a glimpse of your soul and understand your thoughts, ramblings, and bodily functions is soothing and relaxing. It allows your share with each other with limitations or hesitation.. I feel cleansed and satiated with glee over this weekend.

Pacing along...

Blissful

Okay, I am a little behind on my posts and I have a great one for Saturday but haven't gotten there yet.. So, here one for today.. I am happy for my students dry sense of humor. Today, we are giving benchmarks in math ALL day.. And, of course, they finished within 2 hours. So, I made them hold on until lunch and then after PE I sprang an 2006 TAKS release test on them.. HAHAHAHAHAHA.. I know it wasn't nice but I need the data. Anyways, as I walk around I am watching their determination to answer the questions correctly and then doodle some, more questions, playing with their pencil, more questions, a couple of hums, moans, sneezes, and finally one of my favorites (yes, teachers have favorites), raise his hand and asked, "Ms. Berry, Do I really have to do this today?" I responded, "Yes, thank you." He said, "Well, then I am going to take a half day because my brain has already left school and it at home watching tv." I wanted to laugh out loud but I didn't.. I smiled, went over and assured him that he had a brain because he is breathing.. Kids are funny and never cease to amaze me..

Merry

So, I have been thinking a lot about happiness and the holidays while driving home and listening to holiday music on the radio. So, I decided to add my own twist to a classic holiday song, "The twelve days of Christmas", hum along as you read:

12 buzzards flying
11 lights a flashing
10 speeding traps
9 deer laughing
8 taco stands a calling
7 texts from Sidro
6 gallons guzzling
5 shiny towns
4 tickets waiting (to be paid)
3 raccoons running
2 cows a cussing
1 Classroom waiting for me

Cheery

Today has been good.. Last night was great (with the exception of Frank's tub), which delayed my arrival at school this morning. Upon, my arrival after lunch I watched my kids interact during recess which is can be an episode of America's Fun Video or Crash Lab; their interaction is comical and jovial. I was glad to see them as they were glad to see me. Life is good with such simple things.

Breathing

Gay

What an adjective? eeh? There are so many variations on the definition of gay that one is not often sure as to the meaning without the context. But, even then inferring occurs and the meaning get muddled somewhere between the purpose and the assumption.

I have been thinking a lot of this word today, trying to find my own definition that has value to me. I am gay (with happiness) today for many reasons: my students, my partner, my friends, my box, and my blog. I am filled with peace as I drove to and from work today watching both the sunrise and sunset with their many gay hunes and colors. Alas, there is one last definition that I am still trying to define within myself. But, for now I am gay for a couple of other reasons today.

Joy

Following day 1 theme on happiness, I had a good evening last night with my dogs who bring me immense joy and peace. Last night my little one who is so full of energy and curiosity she grunts. We shared some vanilla ice cream and chips (I know friends that not healthy but its the holiday right)!. So, last night as I was trying to get some sleep with Seamus next to me and Dakota at my feet I thought to myself how blessed I am to have people and dogs who love me and whom I love. That is was makes me happy today, the love of my family, friends, and pets.

Also, I received another great secret santa gift today..And my students are wonderful sponges today with lots of good questions about learning.

Breathing calmly...

Happyness

I read my friend Marci's blog which asked to post about something that made me happy today.. So, here goes, (I have several today and it is before noon) whoo-hoo...

1. Didn't have to drive an hour and half to come to work, only an hour from Del Rio and made it to work on time.

2. This week is secret santa week and I received 2 breakfast tacos.. yum..

3. My students made me laugh with their silly and curious observations about life and their peers.

4. My sister called to say HI..

That's all for now.. Not bad eeh?

Breathing..

New beginnings

Over the past couple of months I have had a life changing experience that I haven't fully digested yet. I went to an election party @ Frank's house in Del Rio where I met several of his colleagues from work. One in particular caught my attention. As with many of Frank's colleagues I do not have that much in common with except Frank, but with this one it was different. I felt different, my mind began racing with memories of butterflies, anxiety, and excitement. I have had some time to think about it and chat with my friends but it just seems odd.. (not the best word but it will work).. I look forward to many things now, a new year, spending time with my friends, and most of all a clear understanding of my soul: what it is that i want from life and hopefully some ideas on how to obtain it..


Breathing..

Cycles

I started this post about a month ago but never finished it. I think I was going to post about the cycles of friends/friendship but after that I am not sure. Therefore, I will chat about what has been going on since Nov. I am in the last stages of alleviating a huge burden I have been carrying around since June. Hopefully, it was be lifted by the end of this year. Much of everything I have been stressing over is coming to an end and I really can start the new year with a fresh start.

School has been good although the commute is horrible... I can think of many more adjectives to describe it but I will keep this post PG. I often ask myself in the morning if this drive is worth it? Then I get here and work with my kids and partner and realize it is.. But, on my way home (often very late), I wonder again.. I have 10 more days and I will have 2 weeks off.. Hooray! On another school front, I completed my internship class @ UTSA and I will finally get my masters' diploma.. It seems my worry cycles are ending..

Lastly, I wanted to post about friends. I have a good friend whom I have known for over 20 years. He is funny, brilliant, cynical, fluffy, loyal, and giving. We often go through months of simple chatter on the phone just to check if each other is still alive. However, now that I work closer to him I find myself staying and spending more time with him. I compare him to your favorite pair of jeans that either hides in your closet or drawers and is re-discovered during cleaning or a crisis of need. These jeans make you feel good, comfort your body and soul, smell familiar, and bring back to you peace and hope. Frank has been my pair of jeans lately and I am glad I have him..


Still breathing....

Simple Pleasures

This weekend I spent it with my family shopping in Castroville (a city wide garage sale), didn't buy much but had a blast. My family is growing and changing so much. My nephew is taller than I am and is beginning to explore himself and the opposite sex.. YIKES! I am glad I am not his mom.. I enjoy being the aunt who he can ask anything, hang out, and I can teach him to drive. Don't really have to deal with the hormones. Then there is my niece who is such a little person all of her own, with her own opinions, ideas, choices, vocabulary, and cute little ways she gets me to buy her things that she really doesn't need.. UGH!!
Sunday I woke up my lazy Hawaiian and we went to work; he is tall and I am not so he needs to earn his keep and reach! I also took my 3 dogs. They roamed my campus, made friends with Sid (my partner teacher), his fiancee, a coach, and several students. I then had a brilliant idea and wanted to take them to either the Medina or Frio river to frolick around. I ended up at Garner state park (where I get in free thanks to disabled plates) whoo-hoo... From the minute they bolted out of the box, down to the river bank I couldn't get my 2 dark ones out of the water. Riley took her own time getting in but she did. The water was perfect; temp. depth, and clarity.. I brought a ball and watched my little one attack the water by running full force into the water and just jumping in without any reservations. They were simply enjoying the water and each other. I was enjoying them and Squishy running away from the "clicking bugs", so he says. I didn't see or hear anything. But, Seamus did meet his first deer family. It was a little intense I wasn't sure what he was going to do. I thought he would chase them or they would run in fear and he would follow.. But they stared at each other, he growled, Riley barked, and then out of the water like a rising bullet Dakota bolted out and ran towards the deer. All I saw was this black blur with the sound of dogs tags ringing in the air. Luckily, she had to go up an embankment and the deer were quicker than she. Dakota retreated back to the water after she and the other two sniffed deer poop. YUCK!
As my kids were roaming the river bank I chatted with squishy to help keep him focused on me and the dogs. We talked about the dogs breeding and how different they are. Riley and Seamus are from "back-yard breeders" (me included). While Dakota comes from a proven, well-known, and winning breed line. Her behavior in and out of the water shows it. She is so intense in the water, retrieving, stalking damn deer, listening to her screaming and panicky momma. Riley and Seamus are pure-bred labs but have more of a laid back character. Seamus played in the water and roamed the river like a child on an adventure while Riley followed along taking her time, ignoring her pack calls and being a loner (in a good way or maybe it is because she is older). Anyhow, I had a blast. It was amazing. I promised myself and my kids that I would take them more often, maybe even overnite camping with my family.

Now, my dogs are passed out but look completely happy and at peace. It seems the small country road I took today brought me home, closer to nature, and in a strange way to my parents. I have been missing them a lot lately, today I felt and smelled them at the river..



I actually heard this song on the way home.. I knew my dad had something to do with that! Dad, I am not in West Virigina but I get it.. Thanks and I love you!



Here we are at the rivers edge. Yes, I did end up in the water thanks to Seamus and Dakota and my mom. Thanks mom for reminding me to cool off and have fun.. I love you too and miss you.

Letting go

It has been a while since my last post and I am disappointed about that. I have been busy with work and the many new responsibilities I have there. Thus far, I have learned by letting go of the things I used to hold so proudly such as my stubbornness, my anxieties, my family's lack of patience, and my cynical views of the world I am a much happier, peaceful, and brighter person. I have had a rough year so far and it doesn't look like it is going to get any better anytime soon with the economy where is it at now. Having faith in a greater good and that all will eventually will work out, I can get through each day a little at a time. I am thankful that I have a wonderful bunch of students who bring joy, laughter, curiosity, some frustration (can't all be good :), and amazement to my daily life. I have a partner teacher who basically saves me ass each day as I arrive to work @ 8ish because I delayed getting up for the hour drive to work.. The faculty and staff have been so supportive, gracious, humorous, and inviting; for the first time in my career I feel I belong here for the right reasons, I feel I could stay here for a long time affecting change. (But why does it have to be here? which is so far.) I ask that question often as I am driving to work in the morning watching the life around me rise to the new day. Although, life for me now is fragile and uncertain. I am optimistic about the future. I pray for grace, forgiveness, and peace of mind. Lastly, I hope to some day soon rid myself of these fears. It is a monkey that I have been carrying around for a while and it is a burden that I am growing weary of. Maybe I will find a rainbow soon..

Oohs and Aahs

Just a brief note to share today. As part of this new math curriculum, my students were introduced to a formula triangle which acts as a visual aid to unlock the formula (problem). Why didn't we have this in math class? Maybe then I would have enjoyed it more. Anyhow, I showed them how and then let them have it.. It was awesome to hear the oohs and aahs as their brilliant minds were churning (some even had smoke coming out). Moments like that make it worth the drive and bs that comes with teaching..

Still breathing and clicking..

Extra Extra read all about it

So, I have been back in the saddle again for two weeks and I must say teaching general ed is a lot of work but fun. I really dig my students and they me.. I have begun to make new friends and ties to the community. I do have a few funny stories to share since the start of school. My students are coping with my size by leaving me milk, flinstone vitamins, and not recognized my size instead recognize that I am wearing a green hat and shirt. Walking behind my students in line, they were stopped by my principal and asked where is your teacher? I stepped out and waved.. She was a little embarrassed and impressed at their line walking ability. Yes, we teach how to walk in a line. I think it will be on the next TAKS test.. I went to a gathering of friends from all schools and it was there that my fame was confirmed. My car pooling friend often tells me she hears of the most recent little person sighting at her school. I am now waiting for the local paper to come and conduct an interview.. I wonder if I am the only LP there? Doubt it, but hey the community won't forget me..

Life is slowly coming along and the months are passing by. I am so ready for this year to be over with. I miss my parents, I ache and hurt for Sawyer. (I am hoping to go in Jan. waiting for confirmation.) India is moving along nicely as well. Two at once to start off my new year.. Very exciting.. Maybe my tree hugger friend can get a passport and come along for the ride..

Still breathing and laughing a lot thanks to David Sedaris..

Top 10 reasons you know you are in a small school district....

I have spent a week in training; meeting new friends and colleagues and getting my new room together (or shall i say box).. During the many mind wandering moments i had, i comprised a list of differences or reasons that you know you are in a small district versus a large district.. I thought it would be nice to share..

10. No free water or chocolate during training... And they expect me to stay awake?!?
9. If you are breathing you are hired.. Yes, #1 quality.. all others can be fixed..
8. You co-teach with scorpions.. Don't piss them off..
7. More micro-managing.. No where to hide.. Even if you are 4 feet tall..
6. Dinosaur technology if any in the classrooms..
5. No free stuff from administration.. Where are my post its and cool teacher stuff?
4. No a/c in classrooms while setting up your room.. (Box turns into an oven)
3. Admin more in tune with dress code.. No capris (doesn't apply to me.. but no jeans ever.. Not even on Fridays when we have to wear a t-shirt.. what the * uck..
2. Walking into a local eatery or store and having someone call your name and give you some bit of information about you that you wonder if are listed in the local paper under single, breathing, and employed..
1. And the #1 reason is money.. there is none.. no tree, not under a rock, and even the idea of new taxes is like george w bush passing a 5th grade TAKS test.. even with three tries.. impossible without mods..

Hope you enjoyed and laughed a little.. I am looking forward to this school year of substantial change and learning.. Both feet in (and on the gas)..Breathing..

Head examined

I think after today I should have my head examine for any sign of sanity.. I got up before God and drove for an hour and a bit more (and I don't even remember the drive), went to the first part of training for New teachers not new to the district.. So, i sat through 4 hours of how to login into your email, curriculum, messenger, etc.. The 2nd half was even better.. 4 hours of special ed info.. what is an IEP, ARD, TAKS-M, REED, etc.. HELLO!!! I am a special ed teacher where is the quiz I can take so I can leave? And I had no book! UGH

Well, we did leave early but I had a stop on my way home so I left at 6:05 and got home at 6:30.. Nice huh?? Where is the nearest head shrink.. It is going to be a long year.. I must say there are 21 new teachers at my school and at least 10 of us live here so I am going to set up a car pool.. That'll help right?

Exhausted and breathing barely..

Full circle

Today began with an oops.. Apparently, I was supposed to be at work but I wasn't in attendance due to lack of communication on their part.. So, now I have to report to school tomorrow and for the rest of the week.. Although, I am excited about beginning this school year in a new setting I am wary of the traveling.. But you work through the difficult times to do the thing(s) you love. I do love teaching and being a teacher, I think it is what I am meant to do and to toot my own horn I am good, no very good, at it. My life this year has been a roller coaster ride with more dips than rises.. But through it all I have persevered. I have learned many life lessons, met new friends, said goodbye to old ones. I have begun to make new plans for the future which was hard for me because of the scars I have and doubt that hides inside.. But, I have nonetheless.. I know that I have people out there that love and value me which has become my life support.. Life comes around in full circle when you least expect it..

Another oops today was a call I made to inquire about a friend from work.. I learned that a Melvin friend did not get anything he expected but got what he deserved. Does that sound harsh? If so, too bad.. I smiled with that news and felt a little bad but that did NOT last.. I believe that being in education and now working in a small district with the same aspirations our paths will cross again and time heals wounds.. I predict this within the next 2-4 yrs.. I will be a stronger, wiser, mentally healthier person..

My parents (especially my dad), all told us that when life hands you lemons make a pie and share it..

I love you dad and mom.. I miss you a lot.. But, I am here and I will continue on..

breathing..

Blindly

What is it about money that tears people apart? I was given an ultimatum today and money is at the root of it. I have a small benefit coming to me that I need to use for some legal issues which were created by this person. It went so far as an if then situation. A contestment of the will could occur which would delay the deed title change which would delay a home equity loan I need to complete all the legal issues and save me from any adverse legal actions. I am trying to see both sides of this story but it is hard to see through the hurt..

Well, i am off work on some projects for some clients..

What's under my bridge?!?!?!

I have been busy cleaning my domain, reorganizing my mom's stuff, and fixing bits and pieces of this wonderful little house of mine thus I have forgotten to take time for myself. However, thanks to a very unexpected phone call I received today I remember how uplifting it is to blog.. When my mom passed I expected to receive some calls from previous colleagues I worked with but did not. I chalked it up to a one-sided conversation and me being the missing piece. I was hurt and disappointed but got over it. I have a new circle of friends, a new job, a new/old family friend who I am very happy he is in my life again and of course a strong knit of faithful friends who have not left me.. Lately, I have been missing those friends and those relationships, wondering if I will ever be able to overcome this feeling of loss.

But life goes on and another bridge is built as another burns.. I guess so.. As I spoke with SV I wondered how and why it has taken her so long to call? Why hasn't anyone else? I was very guarded during my conversation and she was graceful and polite. I was glad she called but upset that she has been the only one so far. I wonder if this will ever become water under the bridge or will I just park a troll under this bridge to guard those emotions?

On another note we are supposed to go spread my parents ashes in Corpus this weekend hopefully; but my sis is having reservations and I believe letting do issues.. I know my parents would want up to spread them as soon so we can move on.. I am wanting to close this chapter so I can begin a new school year with a new beginning and get through this year.. I am praying and hoping next year will be much better. I am so over 08.. Bring on the odd years! Well, I need to bring in my kids..

OHOH! I forgot to mention to myself that as a bartering tool with one of my clients; I now have a personal chef. She needs my services but can't afford the monetary costs. I agreed to work with her and her kids and she agreed to cook for me.. Not bad eeh.. Maybe my diet and body will become more at peace and in tune.. We shall see..

Still breathing...

Priceless

A trip to target for snacks for a road trip-- $5.75; Gas, music, and traveling games-- $68.23.. Spending the weekend with my family and friends enjoying nature priceless..


I had a good weekend, enjoyed myself tremendously even though I ingested too much river h2o on Sunday..

I am back working with my clients this week trying to get some sort of schedule and organization going to maintain time records and logs.. As well as open a dialog with my boss about returning to teaching in the Fall.. I think I have come to terms with teaching an hour and 20 minutes from home and commuting.. I have done the math it works out the same if I stay or if I go.. The tilting factor are my four legged kids.. I can't live without them nor can they without me especially S.. R would be sad but accepting and D would probably take her aggressions out on my house here.. (Speaking of my kids they are wrestling around the living room with a banana holder.. it is this obscene red plastic in the shape of a banana which looks like something else..) :* It was a gift from a seasonal friend I had last year.. I guess it was time to let that gift go..

So, I will commute and use the travel time to think, listen to books on tape, and plan my day.. Which will allow me to put my day into perspective.. I seem to be rambling today but I haven't blogged in a while so bear with me..

Today, I cried a little on my way to a new client who is absolutely wonderful.. I look forward going to her house and even if i have to drag myself there.. I was listening to Josh Groban's new CD Awake.. When I listen to it I am reminded of my seasonal friend and I realized how much I miss the friendship but know that it was not positive for me and it was onesided.. I was used and I made poor choices with this friend.. But I still miss the friendship.. Any how there is this song on there that helped me get through that feeling of loss and change today..




Still breathing..

Coincidence

My belief in giving God my faith has been somewhat wavering. I have always tried to find a logical answer and dealt with the consequences with that ideal. My life this year has been a rough one. I have had several deep holes in which I have had to dig out of..My shoulders are tired, my legs and knees hurt, my eyes are sore, my back is tense, and my soul has been hurt. But I have made it through so far. After my mom passed away I knew I still have another hole to dig myself out of.. It is a very deep and thorny hole.. I could lose everything; my career; my character; and my freedom.. But, there is some hope and I am coming to terms with it.

Now comes the coincidence; before my mom passed her family came down for a visit including her sister and a cousin from her oldest sister whom I have not yet met.. Jill played host to our relatives.. It is that relationship she fostered that has been very helpful.. She was able to call upon my cousin who was able to call a friend who is able to assist me. It is not going to be easy or cheap but the knots in my stomach are gone and I can sleep in peace and not worry or have fear.. So, this blessing that has been sent to me has connections that will hopefully bring this issue to rest in a calm and non-abrasive manner..

I blogged yesterday about the circles we run in and how people come in and come out.. Today, a friend sent me a text about God seeing me struggle and a blessing will be coming my way.. I initially thought it was from my sister but it wasn't.. it is was a friend who in not in this circle.. Is that a message or sign? I don't know but after talking with several people today I think no.. i know it was.. I know that today I was blessed and feel at peace for the first time in quite some time.. I am by no means out of the hole but I have a plan and a decent shovel..


breathing slowly..

Networking

The circles we run are filled with many friends.. many of us categorize our friends so they do not overlap. But it often happens during casual conversation you learn of other friends that you find interesting but never meet or people that sound very familiar.. Today, I met this wonderful mom who after an hour of conversation realized we have mutual friends through a couple of steps between us. When I confirmed the friendship with a friend of mine who knows her friend she knew of her.. It is amazing just how small this world we live in.. Being a dwarf I am often remembered but not this time it was a momma circle that brought it all together..

Valuable lesson is to be kind to others because someone knows someone else.. I found this video on youtube.. How many kids do you know?




I know.. I know.. Now you will have that tune in your head all day!! Enjoy!!

Life's decisions

It has been over a week since my mom has died and I am gradually dealing with the loss. Grief comes in waves and it takes time to wade through it. I have been trying to keep myself busy and with the help of friends I am dealing with it all.. I have been able to gather all the paperwork and sent it off to be probated by a family attorney.. One more step down.. I am consistenly working as a self contractor as an educational consult. I have also made some progress with my mother's belongings and donating to various charities and people.. All through it making decisions that will change everything..

I have a couple of major decisions to make soon. I honestly don't know what to do but I will pray and ask god for some help.. My sister tells me to put my trust in god and he will take care of me.. To me that is frightening, I have faith but only recently just found it..

It seems that society is making decisions that are changing the lives of many people so I am not alone.. Here is a song that I find inspiring.. Enjoy

Memo

I have just returned from a 7 hour viewing for my mom. My sister loving decided that a longer viewing would allow people to come in spurts and we (family) won't be overwhelmed like we were when my father passed. However and memo #1, visitors always come within the last 2 hours..so you are in a lull for 5 hours.. very boring and mind numbing.. memo #2 do not have expectations for a viewing.. We had a handful of people visit vs my father's where it was standing rm only.. although, today my third grade visited.. wow! memo #3 coming home after it really makes the reality of it all hit home.. I was blessed to have a tree hugger friend who was with me through out it all.. But, in the end I am now home alone without my mom and the prospect of her coming home.. I went into her room today, smelled her clothes, and realized that this was it, she was gone and I am home alone.. memo #4 love you family.. you will appreciate it and keep in touch with family friends.. do not let time or your schedule interrupt your friendship... these people are your past and will help remind/ground you through out this all.. My mom had a couple of friends in her life that were constant but somewhat distant.. My uncle Merle and Margaret.. Merle is a wonderful, kind, gentle, sincere, and funny man who friendship with my mo spanned 40 yrs.. Margaret is a fiercely independent (like my mom), compassionate, resourceful, and wise who met my mom and began a friendship that help each other raise their kids..memo #5 take each day step by step.. and have an idea of what to do with what.. and for now memo #6 take time for yourself to grieve..

Peace at Last

After a long and hard battle with MSRA my mother passed away early this morning. It was a relief to know she is finally in heaven telling my dad what to do.. But as I type this and sit in this house she and my father made I am reminded of her moreso than ever before and it hurts. I am alone now and my dogs can sense than I am in pain. But this is supposed to be about my mom..

She was extraordinary woman that I am lucky to call mom.. She was the last child of Patricia Sue and so loved as that.. My maternal grandmother died shortly after that and my mom's world change drastically as my grandfather remarried.. Throughout her life she struggled to be accepted and demonstrate her independence.. As a college student she worked hard to prove that she can do her job but she was often judge by her size not her ability. Her resiliency and close friends (Merle and Bertha) loved her enough that she was able to come out of her shell.. My mom met my dad at an LPA meeting.. I have to tell the story for those who knew (wow.. past tense) my parents.. My dad (whom everyone loved) like the drink and has a few at a regional meeting when he walked into the ladies room and saw my mom.. It was love at first sight for him.. He pursued (almost stalked) her.. She (having low self-esteem and efficacy) gave my dad a run for his money but eventually gave in.. They were married 6 months after their first encounter.. From family friends I have been told they were meant for each other...My dad being spontaneous, humorous, and easy going gave my mom some serenity.. and my mom being uptight, independent, and shielded gave my dad a purpose.. I have been told they loved each other very much and were very excited about having kids.. My mom's bbf told me she was scared when she was pregnant with me because she was unsure of herself and how society who treat me.. She did not want me to go through what she did.. And I didn't.. I was born 2 years after their marriage and then 2 years and 1 day my beautiful sister was born and now there were 4 more dwarves in the world.. My mom was a strict, patient, inventive mom.. She would often use some sort of educational punish such as picking pecans outside and then coming in and completing oral word prblms.. Throughout my life my mom instilled a fierce independence, resiliency, high expectations, and passion for education.. As a teacher, she impacted many lives positively.. My parents "adopted" 2 boys and raised them as their own.. These men now are protective, brilliant, independent, and nurturing men thanks to the lessons they instilled..

I have always had some friction with my mom.. mostly because I am like her and we often did not see eye to eye.. Her expectations for me were so much higher than for my sister and i resented that in the beginning.. Now I am only hope and pray I live up to her and make the impact in lives that she has..

Mom, I love you more than I can even express.. I have always tried to make you proud of me and live up to your expectations only to learn you expected me to be compassionate about my passions.. You have raised 4 people into intelligent, loyal, loving, life learning adults. We owe you our souls and will always remember you.. I am humbled and laugh silently to know that you are finally with the love of your life watching over us.. You are my inspiration..

Crying but breathing.. This is for you..

Closing chapters

Being a rather cynical and somewhat pessimistic person I have learned through hard life lessons the importance of closing chapters in ones life so you can begin a new one. Over the past few months I was working hard on several chapters of companionship, dishonesty, doubting, and forgetting. Not very healthy at all but I wasn't open for any suggestions or listening to any warnings. Life then hit me hard.. right in the face, gut, and heart.. now I have been scrambling to regain my self efficacy, self esteem, confidence, trust, and forgiveness.. All throughout I have grown personally and emotionally. I have a deeper and richer understanding of friends, loyalty, and what is righteous.. I have not always made good decisions for myself and have hurt people along the way. In hindsight, I understand why life hit me in the face and what I need to do to move forward. Closure is an important aspect to complete to be able to move forward in your life. I have begun to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and make restitution to myself and those who were in between.. It feels peaceful to express your inner feelings and release the fear, anxiety, hurt, and let go of the what ifs in a simple gesture or small paragraph. I am not expecting anything in return but the act has given me a sense of being that I can move on and work through what is to come next with a sense of humanity, compassion, and integrity which I have previously ignored.. Life is good when you are good at life...

Still breathing along..

PS.. Mom is still hanging on.. She has had a couple of rough nights with fluid in her lungs but her strong heart and will have pulled her through. I am relieved she is still here but agonize over her current condition.

Dakota

Here she is resting with moose..

The last of my four legged kids is Dakota. She was born on Nov. 10th of 2007 and was a gift from a friend. She is a black lab which rounds out the three. I have one of each color of the breed. When choosing Dakota I actually chose another pup who was older and I would have been able to take home sooner but the moose(friend) wanted her so that was it. We picked up up together and brought her home. Dakota has been unlike any pup I have ever had. She is extremely curious, playful, mischievous, well mannered, and adorable. She has the clearest eyes that look right into. I compare it to when a child sleeps that type of innocence. Her first few months were quite while still got acquainted with the Seamus and Riley. Now that she is part of the pack she has found herself. Dakota loves to explore. She has brought me much humor and frustration. Her name doesn't fall along with Riley and Seamus. I had originally wanted another Irish name but I couldn't find one that fit her. So, I browsed Native American names and she responded to it.

Some of her antics include a head in the fish tank (now I have 4 fish left), pulling a pipe off a water line, countless shoes, a bag of potatoes, books, wicker baskets, a bag of charcoal, wood, purse, curtains, child and dog toys, water hose and my favorite pair of sweats have all been victims of her curiosity. Lately I have been trying to spend a lot of time with my dogs working with their behavior and training them as a pack. She seems to be the one who has an innate idea of what needs to be done. Today, I threw a Frisbee (I don't even know where it came from but she brought it to me), and she caught it in midair and returned it.. My hopes and plans for Dakota has somewhat changed I had planned on breeding her with Seamus but I am not sure now. I had wanted at least two more labs but I don't think I can afford that many more nor could my house and sanity survive another Dakota. We will see... Dakota sleeps with me every night at the foot of the bed snoring along with Seamus. She tries to be a lap dog whenever possible and has now begun to whine when she needs to go outside (hooray).. I love my Dakota although during some of her antics I often threatened to return to sender.. But I can't.. with those eyes and that face I am a sucker.. This is her first pic..


.. Calm before the storm

Seamus

The next dog in my family is my big baby boy Seamus. He is a pup from Riley born in July and is will be 2 this July.. Seamus was the biggest pup in the bunch and I feel in love with him from the start. He was one of 2 pups that have block heads which makes him look meaner than he is.. Seamus is as a pup was playful, curious, and a chewer. I lost many shoes, another pair of glasses, and several remote controls. He was really easy to house train thanks to Riley.. Seamus is my follower.. When he is in he follows me everywhere I go.. and sleeps with me like a person and has his side of the bed.. Isn't Seamus a great name? I spent quite some time trying different names out but I wanted something Irish and it just fit! Seamus loves chewys, treats, and baths. He loves the water. I have taken him to the beach and he loved it.. He was a typical lab and played effortlessly in the water.. When he is with the pack he becomes lazy and does not like to retrieve whatever I throw.. A bit lazy.. But at a local dog park he loves to show off.. Seamus will eventually sire some pups with my 3 kid Dakota..
Here is a pic.

Riley

Over the next few blogs I am going to introduce the world to my dogs. Starting with the number one and top dog. Riley..

She was born in March and is 3 years old. The journey for Riley did not begin with the purpose of getting her. I went out with a group of school colleagues to look at a litter of lab pups out in Pleasanton, TX. One in the group wanted to get a chocolate lab for his wife. He just lost his female German Shepard and was looking for a mate for his male Shepard Duke. There were 4 pups in the litter, 2 males and 2 females.. The chocolate lab (Mona) was a female and Riley was the other female. She was so cute and shy I spent quite some time with her while the group was looking at the others. However, I almost did not get her. The wife wanted her instead of the chocolate but he, of course, got his way.. And I got my way.. I got her. She is registered as a yellow lab but is actually white, I looked it up and it is considered an American lab. She is so sweet and patient. Her pup years were filled with classes and a loss of some shoes and a pair of glasses but that's all. Riley soared in her classes and was/is eager to please.. When she was younger, lighter, and smaller I took her everywhere..Riley loves to retrieve but gets lazy if the ball goes to far.. She does NOT like water that much.. Go figure.. She does get in the pools outside but steps in and steps out..

I decided that I wanted her to have one litter before I spayed her. I bred her with a block head chocolate lab named Thor. Several months later in July, Riley had not one, or four, but 8 all chocolate pups. She was a caring, nurturing, and attentive mom.. Riley now is mothering to my third but and is has gain a few pounds. I have nicknamed her Jenny (Craig).. We are working on getting the extra pounds off..

When it came to find homes for her pups I would talk to her about the future owners. I found homes for all the pups but one. The largest, most curious, and noisy but whom I nicknamed Brutus.. I kept him and renamed him Seamus.. He will be my next blog entry..







Isn't she beautiful?

Still breathing..

Blurry vision

Walking dogs is truly therapeutic.. I walked all three of my dogs today at the same time.. It was rather fun and challenging and my dogs responded well and enjoyed themselves.. I love my dogs because they love me.. My little one keeps me on my toes.. She actually sleeps in a pool outside during the day.. It is so cute to see her in that pool blowing bubbles..

I am tired and have a bit of a headache, I am hoping some wine I picked up over the weekend will help.. My mom is resting peacefully and declining slowly and I think I am ok with this. Each day I let go a little more and it is easier. I have several clients tomorrow and more this week.. Hopefully keeping busy will help the time pass this week. I am mumbling along tonight through the ache of my body and the pain in my head..

Weekend Warrior

It was a nice weekend I had.. I spent Friday helping my sister clean her house, cleaning and organizing my roommate's bedroom, and of course I visited my mom.. She is doing ok.. I was there rather late that night.. She was fidgety because she had a bath and was moved around a lot. Now she is on oxygen... Saturday I went to Del Rio to visit my Mitch (pseudo name) who had a party that night.. It was nice and I did not get drunk I had a drink and water, drink and water, drink and water.. Felt good and I did not wake up feeling like I got hit by a truck.. Today, came home and spent some time with my kids.. Seamus some how has several new scratches on his back (wonder if he was upset because I left out of town?). I visited with my mom tonight for several hours. She was resting and seemed peaceful.. Family friend was there who is a friend of my moms for over 40 years.. We chatted about different things such as work, volunteerism, family, friends, and of course stories about my mom..

Let me tell you how absolutely marvelous it is to have this man who knows my mother in such a deep and different manner to share stories about her.. He has answered so many questions I had about my mom that I have kept deep inside.. He has provided a vivid picture of this woman who was so stern and evident.. As her daughter it was difficult to reach her.. As a child and teenager you often question your parents and tell yourself when I have kids I will not do... But if God graces me with kids I pray that I will be a stable and constant as my mom.. I now cherish the that I am so much like her and hope I can have such a successful life as she did. She has touched many people beyond my comprehension. Grown men have come into her room and weep for she has always been a source of strength for them. She has given them a path for success and they followed it.. It is amazing. What is also amazing is when I was talking with my uncle (the family friend), I told him I was not sure as to what my mom is holding onto. The staff are amazed at her constitution and admire her strength. He said, she still has something to do here.. She is not finished.. You know what happened? She shook her head yes.. I looked at her and asked him did you see that or I am seeing things? He saw it too.. This is driving me crazy.. I know that she would not want to be in the state she is in now but I am out of options.. I have said my goodbyes, told her how amazing she is and how much I respect and honor her.. I have told her that I will be okay and my life will be meaningful.. I do not know what else there is? I pray for some sign..

I called a tree hugger friend and talked about this.. We had previously gone into a discussion about friends and the role they play in our lives... I am just now learning the difference between friendships and have read that there are three different aspects to friends; reason, season, and lifetime. You have those people who come into your life for a reason. Often not knowing the reason but the visit is often short and the reason comes after.. In a season a friends comes in and you share different things with each other through a journey in your life. Once your or their journey is complete the season is over and the friends moves on. Finally there are lifetime friends.. These are the people who have been in your life or will be in your life forever.. Sometimes you go days, weeks, months, and years without talking but once you come back into it was as you never left. Qualities such as loyalty, dependability, peace, and reliability are present.. You often do not have many lifetime friends and sometimes think some one is when they are not.. But you do have a couple or many even a few.. Friends are an important part of our lives and from my experience once I understand their part, learn to listen to each other, have reasonable expectations, and grow with change life is good and moves easily.. I do not know if all that seems like me ramblings but through these hard months I have learned where my friends are and what type of friend I am..

Lost head but found some hope..

I woke up this morning not expecting much at all. I had a few phone calls to make, a house to clean, my dogs to feed, and my mom to visit. As of right now I made the calls, fed the dogs and visited with my mom, who after a night of restlessness seems to have settled back down to a relaxed and restful sleep. I chatted with her today about how things were going when I got a much needed self esteem boost. A job that I wanted but discounted was offered to me today and I accepted it.. This also allows me to stay in S.A.. which is what I wanted to do and I am still working with children.. I was so excited to share the news with my friends who have been supporting me and with my mom..She sighed, smile, and snorted.. I took that as an approval.. I told her everything is going to be fine here.. I am great and will be ok... Go find my dad.. I need to there with him instead of here with me.. I told me sis that she needed to let me mom go.. I think my mom is holding on for her baby.. I will pray for her to have the courage and strength to tell her bye.. I thought that I would be the one to take this harder or have a harder time letting go.. Maybe not.. I am my mother's daughter with my father's looks.. (thanks dad!)

Now the new adventures of Dakota.. Today, I went outside to play with my dogs to discover a statue that is my moms of St. Francis was knocked over and missing a very important part.. his head.. I looked over at Seamus and Riley who were sitting under the tree and pointing to Dakota who happened to have the missing head in her mouth.. She was playing with it, like it was a ball.. Nice huh? I told her that St. Francis is the saint for animals and has saved her a lot lately from her previous mishaps.. She looked at me like huh? are you talking to me? do I need to pay attention? because I have this new toy that is fun... So, now a headless St. Francis stands outside by my Pecan tree quietly without a head.. I love this dog... Okay.. I think I am done for tonight.. I need to clean but I am mesmerized by Tom Jones the singer.. Why? I ask myself.. Then I realized that the music you are forced to listen to as a child hypnotizes you as an adult... So here is one of my mom's favorite songs..



Here is dad's favorite..



Enjoy...

Bits of humor through a trying time

Another day and my mom is still hanging on.. She look much more at peace now than before but her breathing has changed.. My sis and I spent most of the day with her yesterday.. along with a string of family friends who came last evening to visit.. At one time she had 8 men in her room.. why can't i get those odds?

today is my nephew's 13th birthday.. he is a teenager now and very excited about it.. my sis and i are going to take him and some school friends to play miniature golf later today.. it is very nice to have his coming of age as a distraction...

lastly, before i shower because i have concluded that it is i that smell and not my dogs.. oh.. i forgot to mention what my little one (dakota.. the black 6mon lab) did on mon night.. i was drinkin some screwdrivers and decided to clean the fish tank.. she decided to inspect for herself what was going on in the fish tank so she stuck her face into the tank.. it was on of the funniest things i have seen her do.. i called her and she looked at me like what? am i not cute? no fish were harmed during her exploration...

i love my dogs.. and the many friends through this world that silently pray for me and my family.. my courage and strength are refilled with your thoughts and prayers..

Little angels

I kept myself busy for most part of the day with clients.. working with children with autism fills my heart up with substance. I visited my mom today.. no change from yesterday.. i read her a few poems from emily post whom she likes...my sis and i have begun to make arrangements for my mom when she passes. When a person is still here it seems easier to make those decisions about who, where, when, and how.. at least for me vs my dad's funeral.. now we wait and pray... we have been told it will be very soon.. i wish my dad were here right now to soothe my sorrow.. but i am thankful he is not.. he would not have been able to handle his beloved going first.. my mom was stern and disciplined while handling her grief.. i am trying to find the courage to be like her but i am not sure i have much left.. maybe some oreos or chip ahoy will help..

as i sit here watching tv and typing i cry gently on the keyboard wishing to have some more time.. wishing things were different.. wishing.. wishing.. wishing.. but i know some wishes are not granted.. my mom seems content.. she is not in any pain now and that is huge.. i am trying to remember what a happy and fullfilled life she had and still has now.. it is god's turn to enjoy here.. that reminds me what my niece said on sunday when we took her to visit my mom.. my sis was explaining to her than mo mo is going to heaven to be with jesus.. he needs her right now.. she looked at my sis and then at mo mo and asked why? sis explained again.. why? another jab at explaining.. then after a long pause and glance at me and mo mo she told my sis why doesn't he take me instead so you won't be sad? i had to leave.. sorry to my sis.. but i had to leave.. i do not know what my sis told her but she was smiling when i came back in.. it is amazing what children say and how they think.. i believe an angel was there with her when she said that...

Driveway moment

I visited my mom a couple of times today. She responds softly to her name and smiles at you then drifts back to sleep. We have discontinued the feeding tube today because her body was not absorbing it. I sat there this morning and just talked to her about the dogs, my week, and told her about a new book I am reading. She would occasionally open her eyes and smile. I left after a while and drove home in silence. Crying softly realizing that the end is very near.. I thought this letting go process would be easier because it is gradual. It is not.. Realizing that I won't be able to see her, have her listen to me ramble, and smile at me when I need reassurance it difficult.

I also realized that this had been a very disruptive few months. March, my career was halted.. April, my son was left behind.. May, I will most likely lose my mom.. God only gives you what you can handle right? I will be a stronger person right? There are answers around the corner right?

I went to church this morning and prayed for peace, more faith, and grace to get through this and support my family. I know I will endure and live through this with resiliency and fortitude.. I thank my mom for those qualities I have.. She has taught me to always has passion for what you want.. Do not let anyone tell you that you can't!

Mom.. This is for you...

Message from the TV

It is amazing how you can find strength and peace in the most unlikely place. Today has been a trying day for me. My mother whom I am more alike than I am ready to admit has begun to decline. She was a strong willed, brilliant, articulate, caring, crafty, loving, and tender.. now is a shell of that person I loved so and was so afraid of turning into.. It is hard to see and hear her now crying and pleading for some peace.. what are we supposed to do but try and provide some comfort for her and spend as much time with her as we can... At this moment I can't imagine not being able to see her or caress her delicate hands.. have her look at me with those ageless eyes and tell me with them that she loves me, she is proud of me, and she admires all i have done..

I came home today from work, cleaned the house, and quietly sat and prayed over the events today.. I prayed that I will find the strength to get through this closing chapter gracefully.. I prayed to God to please give me a sign she hears me.. Here is a song that was on tv..





Next video is my favorite song that captures my parents courting... I post it in their honor. I hope you enjoy..




Tomorrow is another day.. I will remember to breathe and find strength and peace in music, my dogs, and the simple things in life..

Three Dog Night

My third dog has been bit of a handful. She has chewed 3 water containers, 2 dryer vents, and 1 water pipe (to the point it broke and I had to call to get the water turned off and the pipe replaced) also the hose which is now is 4 pieces. Last night, thanks to the rain, the dogs had to stay in all night in which, she proceeded to take a complete medium pizza off the table and eat it (with some help from number two dog) and the ice cream container was torn apart in the living room. I woke up to 2 shredded boxes and 3 piles of poop the size of my face.. What am I going to do with #3? I often threat to send her to the person who gave her to me, but I think I would miss her too much.. I am going to pray she grows out of this. #2 dog did go through this but all he ended up chewing were 2 remote controls. #1 chewed my glasses and some shoes (but shoes don't count do they?)

On a different note my mom is going down a deteriorating path. She has several infections throughout her body and is not responding well to an aggressive set of antibiotics. She is in a lot of pain and cries often. I spent the day with her today trying to figure out where is the best place for her. She wants to be in hospice care but that does not come with home health care. She can go back into a nursing home, but that is not what she wants. I think she just wants to come home. I want her home to but she needs a type care that I physically can't do.. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully more options will become available.

Some positive news... things are looking up for employment. I had 2 interviews this week that went extremely well.. And my consulting gig is picking up... so some good some bad.. some highs some lows.. but all the while still breathing and praying and cleaning up after my kids (dogs)...

Circumstantial

I heard that word a lot today. It sounds intimidating and foreboding much like how I feel. But life does get better right? I often thought today about starting a new path only to discover that the baggage you thought you lost found you. Is it just circumstances or is there a higher power with a different plan I am not aware of? Maybe I should just stop hiding and increase my self-efficacy by believing that I am not a circumstantial person. I am a substantial person.

Just above the calf

All my life I have had to alter cars, counters, and clothes. I picked up a graduation robe today and was informed that I would once again have to alter it because it doesn't fit. My life has been filled with things that haven't fit; ex-husbands, annoying fish, and a society that is bigger than I am. But I have managed to fit in.. Its just sometimes I wish there wasn't a 'just above the calf'.

Pretty Amazing

Today is national prayer day and I silently prayed small prayers of thanks through out the day for my family, friends, dogs, shelter, food, peace, and grace.

Tonight, I came home from class a bit uplifted with positive possibilities in the future for me and watched some TV. I heard a new song from Neil Diamond (yes, I love Neil. I admit it). These lyrics spoke to me deeply and expressed my feelings towards sister and my friends. Neil has a new album coming out next week and this is one of his new songs. I hope it touches whomever listens to it or reads this blog.

Pretty Amazing Grace
by Neil Diamond

Pretty Amazing Grace is what you show me
Pretty Amazing Grace is who you are
I was an empty vessel, you filled me up inside
and with an amazing grace restored my pride.
Pretty Amazing Grace is how you saved me and
with amazing grace reclaimed my heart.
Love in the midst of chaos, calm in the heat of war
Shown with amazing grace what love is for
You forgave my insensitivity and my attempt to mislead you
You stood beside a wretch like me
Pretty Amazing Grace was all I needed
Stumbled inside the doorway of your chapel
Humbled and odd by everything I found
Beauty and love surround me freed me from what I feared
I asked for Amazing Grace and you appeared
Pretty Amazing
Pretty Amazing
Pretty Amazing
You overcame my loss of hope and faith
Gave me a truth I could believe in
You led me to a higher place
Showed that love, truth, hope and grace were all I needed
Pretty Amazing
Pretty Amazing

Breathing peacefully.

New Mantra

Another day another dust bunny cleaned.. I completed and submitted my application for yet another job but this one is not in education.. Maybe a new hill to try? I did some spring cleaning today in my room. I am determined to assemble a dresser I brought from IKEA about 4 months ago this week. My ideal is to minimize the amount of furniture in my room, like my life.. Simplify.. Breathe.. Live.. Laugh.. and Love..

still here

small victory..

Great deals today at Target. I went in for dog food and a container for rice and walked out with 80 pds of dog food for $23, no rice container :(, several bags of dogs treats on clearance (chicken wrapped around a banana) i am almost tempted to try one, lots of cans goods, cereal, applesauce, ziploc bags, and a dutch oven all on clearance. It feels good to walk out of a store with more items bought than the amount you spent. 1 point for the at home gnome.. I needed a victory and a pick me up...

still breathing..

Bitter pill

Have you ever been given bad news and had to shallow it like a bitter pill? I heard back from academic advisor, she informed me I am going to have to wait until dec. to graduation "if all goes well.." So, i registered for a grad class that looks rather interesting and not to difficult. I applied for financial aid again for the fall and asked my advisor a few more questions. I swallowed the pill.. I am now waiting to hear from another prof. to find out what grade I will be making in her class.. (small pill, tastes like squash).. I would like to think that will be all the pills i will have to swallow but i am not going to hope for that.. one step at a time right?!?!!

breathing

shopping for jesus

Can Jesus's blood make the vilest sinner clean? i wonder.. or what about my blood? if it is shed will I be cleansed?

just when i thought life is good and i was at peace with life.. i get thrown back into worry, anxiety, frustration, anger, pain, disappoint in myself and doubt.. i have yet another obstacle to overcome this week which might effect my graduation for my masters'.. i cried hard (which is something i do not do easily), but i am scared and no one is here but my dogs whom i love.. i know i have many friends who listen, support, and love me.. but i am still alone here.. maybe i should leave my chosen field and start something else? social work? forest ranger? dog groomer? i just don't know.. i spoke with another teacher today and she prayed with me over the phone that jesus will take care of me, keep me safe, and let the truth set me free.. i am scared of the truth.. it will hurt and damage many lives... am i kidding myself? will i ever teach again? i need to teach it is my calling and feeds my soul... just when i begin to feel happiness it seems i am reminded that i do not deserve it.. where can i get a vile of God's blood? will that help? i am supposed to be reviewing for a makeup quiz i have but i can't stop my mind from racing with consequences and possible solutions..

i am going to find a good merlot and have a priest bless it for me.. do you think that counts as jesus's blood? does anyone know where i can pick up some grace? i am all out..

Quick step

I am finally at peace with everything that has happened in my life over the past month. I have path that is a means to an end. My house is finally clean, the way I clean it.. My dogs are happy and playful again since my return. And I have an idea of where I am going. Life is good..

Unanswered prayers

It is funny when you pray to God for whatever is ailing or your needs/wants and you don't seem to get the answer you expect. Garth Brooks has a song titled, "Unanswered Prayers". I listened to it today on my way back from my "first" training session with my new position as a parent trainer/ABA instructor. I spent 4 hours sitting on the floor in a therapy room listening to the owner of this corporation talk about parent training, aba training, and where her organization is going. I listened to her philosophy and expectations of her employees and cringed. Everything I have ever learned as an educator is on the opposite side of her beliefs. She is not interested in research, data, or trials. As an educator research determines what strategy or curriculum we use/try. Data drives instruction. I even own a shirt with that saying. Trials prove strategies and provide data for further instruction. Sounds rote doesn't it? I think she realized just what she got when she hired me. I have extensive knowledge in school districts/ARDs, I am BCBA certified (which I haven't told her), CPI certified, (I can restrain a child), and I have a decent reputation in the special education section in SA. As the time ticked on and my ass was getting numb I prayed silently asking if this is really for me.. (I don't have any other options now).. As I left the building Terri (boss lady) came up to me and thanked me for hanging in. She understands how this may seem out of my comfort zone and familiarity but it is worth it. Her clients are mainly Autistic children who need committed people such as myself. God's unanswered prayer. AND it pays extremely well.. So, I have a schedule of 30 hours over the next 2 weeks to shadow people. If this is God's intentions for me so be it. I just hope he answers my prayer and I will get a teaching contract for next year.

Confidence boost

Today I received my scores on my comprehensive exams which I needed to pass in order to graduate with my masters' degree. I have been waiting to here something from my university for such a long time. So, I pulled up my big girl panties and called the professor in charge of the scores. He mentioned he emailed me my results but I never did receive them. (i guess i am not the only one with computer problems eeh)? Not only did I pass, but I honored pass. This was huge for me. I have been given a shitty hand to deal with and now I was finally given a royal card. I am hoping that this positive trend will continue through this week. I did have one set back in regards to my sister who took out money from my savings acct to pay her bills.. didn't tell me while we were both @ the grocery store where i spent over hundred dollars knowing i had money in my savings.. NOT!!! I was and still am disappointed. I had thought she was passed that type of behavior. So, I just took my red box back and left her with her tempermental van. Maybe a bit of reality will make her appreciate my generiousity. Don't get me wrong my sister is amazing and I do love her. I hope she prays over this.. I did discuss my feelings about this and my disappointment. We shall see...

On a different note, I am considering applying for spring admission for a phd program in austin. I was given the ok today from a professor i have been working with. She will provide me a recommendation and her expertise to get in and complete this degree.. Maybe Austin or Houston.. Maybe a change of scenery will provide me some insight to purpose..

I love my dogs! They are beautiful, humorous, playful, youthful, smelly, and life saving. If you don't have a dog you should consider getting one. I would recommend a lab! I have a meeting tomorrow with a lady who has a company which provides parent training services and instructional/behavioral instruction to students with special needs. She informed me she already has 3 clients for me. It is not my ideal position but it is an mean to an end.. Time for some cereal.. Ciao mi amigos!

Dog Farts

Have you ever been asleep only to be awaken by a foul smell coming from somewhere in the room? As my body is trying to adjust to the time change I dozed off on the couch to be awaken by my Seamus snoring, Riley dreaming (chasing something), and Dakota, my little one, farting something awful. I couldn't figure out if it was something I brought back from Nepal. Nope it was her.. ugh.. I did not miss that...

Let sleeping dogs lie

I just got up which wasn't what I had planned today to sleep all day but I did and it is what it is. My dogs have not left my side since my arrival. I bathed them and found that Riley is a white lab not a chocolate one and Dakota smelled horrible and was filthy. Seamus on the other hand is sensitive, the biggest, and cleanest.. good boy!!! After such a good sleep, quality time with my dogs, a splendid time chatting with lil sis and mom I had a spiritual moment of quiet understanding and acceptance. (She is doing most excellent and her quick wit is beginning to return).. I have decided and accepted to let life simply happen and to gently follow along. I have need to finish my course work at UTSA and hopefully graduate with my masters.
The dogs of my past will remain asleep for there is no more I can offer nor desire.

home..

Well, my friend I made it home after many airplanes, layovers, hard couches, and undesirable airplane food. The first person I wanted to see when I finally walked out of SAT airport was my sister. She was there waiting for me unsure of what to say or even what to do. I stood there with all my luggage (except one), which I am sure will ever come home. I smiled and she ran to me and hugged me and just cried. She told me how much she loved me, missed me, and forgave me. I haven't forgiven myself. Can I forgive myself for leaving a child in a country with no real hope and a small part of me not wanting to go back? More on that later.. I drove up and saw my dogs whom I missed tremendously! I think when they saw my box they thought oh it's the other one. I walked in and squish left me TC's hooray.. I knew i should have not eaten it but I did and it was fabulous! lil sis let my babies in and my big boy Seamus knocked me over, Dakota who is so huge, just licked and licked.. Riley stood back and waited for the younger ones to calm down. I held on the each of them for wait seemed like an eternity then gave them a treat and ate some tacos! Jill said her goodbyes and we made a plan for tomorrow.. I have a doctors appt tomorrow to hopefully get a green light and i haven't picked up some scary third world infection.

I unpacked and started some laundry, which is less than I expected.. Squishy came home he looks good but his knee and ankle are pretty swollen. He gave me a card from a few friends which help him squish. A simple welcome walk and we love you card. I was brought to me knees in the bathroom as i read (but already knew) that I have many who love me not matter how messed up i am and through all my mistakes.. I then took a shower without the yellow water, crawled into bed with my dogs and fell asleep about 2am. The last person I thought of was S.. I do miss him.. I wonder what he is doing..

As for this weekend, I am not sure. I need to get my fingerprints from Austin sent to Nepal which after doing some online research this morning looks like I have to go in person and make that request.. Lil sis is going to some women's church event and my mom actually has a busy weekend with a trip on sat. to a hyperbarack center. I will see her tomorrow. I want to crawl into her bed or her chair and tell her how much i love her, miss her, and admire her. Lil sis wants me to go visit pancho or ms. treehugger.. i think she is going to clean my house.. so we shall see.. i had hoped to stay home, watch tv, play with my dogs, niece, and nephew..

I finished going through the mail which was a lot of crap.. Nothing from UTSA which is fine with me. Next week will be the week of answers from unemployment to my grade on my comps for grad school, i have another practice principal test next sat and i need to make up what i missed for my wed class.. OH!! There is a new Meatloaf commercial for AT&T very nice.. It is time for me to find a new road to journey down so I can get through this year. I am blessed to have many people in my life to assist me. Maybe, I will go lay down again.. This time change is going to be hard to adjust to than I expected..

What I learned

I learned to smile to a stranger makes them smile back. Kindness knows no bounderies.
Hot coffee dances in the early morning. An investment in human relations is worth it. To listen even though I don't fully understand the language. Dinner alone is nice but more interesting with new friend. Longing and familiarity brings contemplation and growth. To sit next to a senior couple during breakfast rather than college students from the states. To try new foods when my brain and stomach are not in agreement. The acquaintances I met @ the beginning of my trip are now friends and allies. Past experiences should be valued and cherished. Love knows no boundaries. A kind word or gesture can fill any and every bucket. That I am afraid of what is to come. That doubt can bring wonder and want. German people meet my expectations and Austrailians are hilarious. I like the crunchy bread things in the bar. To love bread and eggs I'm the mornings. And I hate eggs!!!! There are no CATS in Kathmandu!!!! A liter of beer is a lot! That no matter where I go someone will know my family!! To appreciate what I have and love in America. No matter how long I watch cricket I still do not understand the sport. Senior citizens everywhere hike up their pants to their chins. Indian people have horrible table manners and use no silverware. I am my father's daughter and everyone will love me... I love chocolate everywhere and anywhere in the world!!!!! Long flights are not pleasant no matter how much room you have!!! Tipping well upon arrival is key to a great stay!! Food is better the first time... Rooms are cheaper when you shop around.. Cold beer is good anywhere.. Question everything you eat and remember buff is not beef and there is no FDA.. Open your heart to grace and your life will be whole..


This is what I have learned. I hope it helps..

Final Countdown

This might be the last couple of days I spend here in Kathmandu. I return to the embassy today to get information regarding my adoption. I fear I already know the answer and have actually been preparing myself for it. I have talked to a good Texan friend who happens to be an immigration attorney, a fellow LP who has adopted several children from out of the country and dealt with our embassy and both confer that the embassy has the final say in granting his visa to return with me. If there is any doubt the visa will not be granted. So, I am going to have to wait and leave him here again. My biggest fear or hurdle is not the emotional issue of leaving again. (I actually want to leave now with or without him), is the orphanage director whom I have to ask to keep him because in Nepal's eyes he is mine. A tree hugger friend gave me some advice to keep my heart open to God's grace which I have and will continue to. I have spent some quality time with him and learned a great deal about myself as a future mom. My life is so fragile now I am not sure this was even the right decision to come but my heart pulled me here. I am now looking for more strength from my heart to get through this. I am still breathing and not eating meat. I have some serious stomach issues, my skin is turning yellow and is breaking out. I long for the US, my dogs, my sister, and my friends. But more so, I long for peace and stability in my life. Where's the coffee?

When in Rome

Have you ever heard that saying? When in Rome do as the Romans do? Well, I am here to offer some advice to that saying in reference to Nepal. When in Nepal besure to ask the meaning of a word on a menu. For example, Buff does NOT mean beef like I thought it did. It means water buffalo. Ok, that's not so bad and when in Roman try it right? Wrong! Especially, if you happen to visit the city zoo and see these water buffalo.. Not pretty my friends. Next, do not eat any meat here. As I traveled throughout the city I noticed that there is no FDA or any other means of safe processing of meat. Animals are slaughtered in the streets and put on tables for your purchase. Goats, dogs, chickens, boars, maybe even water buffalo. So, from that point on I decided to be a vegetarian for this trip. But, then you wonder if you eat eggs those come from chickens. Did the chicken I saw in the streets eating something red and yucky produce those eggs? HMM.. And the vegetables.. the water here is yellow.. yes, yellow.. I start a quick shower in yellow water.. so how about them vegetables? It is a never ending process of wondering where did this come from and will I end up with from digestive issue? So when I Nepal be careful..

On a different note, I find myself detaching from Sawyer daily.. I fear that I am going to have to leave him again.. We spent yesterday at the zoo and some sight seeing.. Today, he has a doctor's appt. for medical clearance and I think some more sight seeing. Tomorrow is the day when I go to the embassy to plea my case. I have many people praying to many gods hopefully one will here our prayers.

It is time for some breakfast and I am preparing my stomach to the journey.. Take Care my friends.

Wanting an Ah Ha

Another morning here in Kathmandu. Last night I spent it alone after I informed Sabitri of the news from the embassy. She was quite upset and Sawyer wanted to stay with his friends. What was I supposed to do. Actually, I was quite relieved. I wanted so alone time to reflect on what has thus far transpired. In the hotel there is a mediation garden which is very peaceful and calming. I sat out there, drank tea, and contemplated my future. After much soul searching I come to realize that this somehow is a lesson I need to learn about myself. Maybe I am not ready to be his mom. I find myself wishing he was back in the orphanage and I do not know why. I might bring him home to a uncertain future like he has one here. I learned I can not apply for any type of govt aide for him. It is a stipulation in the adoption agreement from the govt. I do not have any insurance or a job that can offer financial stability. I know that I will find a job and my finances will fall back into place BUT. I wondered in that garden why I decided to adopt in the first place and why I decided after so long to come back. I am not sure what is going to happen now. I do know I leave on Tuesday and look forward to returning home, I wish I was there now. I do not regret coming because I know there is some lesson I need to learn through this experience hopefully my mind and soul will be clear enough to receive it.

quiet moments

As I sit here at 7:30am in Nepal I am trying to make sense of what has conspired through my journey here. The adoption process seems to be a trial of will and faith. I receive good news, bad news, frustrating news, compassionate news, then heart breaking news. Now it seems that I might have to leave Sawyer here again but this time I will not be coming back. Due to an orphanage directors over enthusiasm issues have come to light as to the application process and completion with our US govt. I do not want to in any ways misconceive our govt and will follow there advice. As of right now I am not sure. What I am sure of is that this beautiful boy in a tie-dye shirt and jogging pants looks absolutely perfect and I wonder what God has in store. I wonder why would he send me here again only to be hurt? What am I supposed to learn? Will there be any signs? And can I live on rice here?

I do know that I am loved and supported and with that I will get through this.

New Title

Namaste,

Today, I was given a new title. That of mom. I completed 90% of the paperwork on the Nepal side for Sawyer today after much haggling with Sabiriti here. She took what I had planned to give her and pressed on. We spent most of the day in and out of the car, smiling, and signing my name. Tomorrow he gets a TB test, picture for visa, and our first visit to the US embassy. We are trying to finish this week because next week there is elections here for a new congress and constitution which means every govt. agency will be closed tues-friday.. ugh..

he is lying on the carpet playing with a car.. i think he understands but is seems tentative.. he mimics my words for things such as thank you, candy, please, help.. etc.. oh.. he first lesson today was use a toilet not the floor to pee.. very fun..
well, we are off to find snacks for the night.. i will post later.. thanks!

Twelve missteps of a roaming gnome

Namaste friends,

I actually made back to Kathmandu again in one piece and I did not lose anything. When I arrived it seemed the immigration/customs remembered who I was because I was whisked away without waiting in any lines. Nice.. Not like before.. It seems I am a strange being from some distant planet and the locals here are not sure if i am a nice/good gnome or an bad spirited one. I will let them judge from a distance. The city hasn't changed much. Lots of children in the streets, pollution worse than LA and Houston, driving on the opposite side of the road, no stop lights, (i prayed the hardest during my drive from the airport to the hotel) than i prayed during this journey thus far. I began my trek here @ 6am in San Antonio (step one), long lines @ 5am and San Antonians do not find me interesting so i had to wait in line. (don't they know i have powers?), flew to LA with a 7 hours layover (step 2) had to pick up luggage and walk 1.8 miles to the international terminal outside; the weather was nice and it felt good to walk.. waited, waited, waited until the ticket counter open.. begged very nice Japanese agent for aisle seat with no one next to me.. (step three) i even smiled which must have worked i have a entire row of seats to stretch out on which for a gnome is great.. so LA to Tokyo.. (step four) this is where you must pay attention to your itinerary and check the number of stops. i had one.. and apparently it was Japan.. the flight was 10 hours which was ok. i watched 3 movies.. took aspirin (thanks Nate) and a sleeping pill.. all was good except the food which i couldn't understand to choose and was glad i said the beef the other option chicken was in a green sauce... hmm? disembarked in tokyo.. japanese people make me feel tall (step five) bowing is easy when you are short and much appreciated.. i smiled and bowed.. i wonder if i go to japan will i be famous? reloaded the same plane in tokyo.. this time i had one person @ the end of the aisle for another 7 hours journey to singapore.. nice austrailian man who was on some life journey finding his soul which he thinks is in Bali.. we chatted.. watched 2 more movies.. i think I am caught up now (step six).. another aspirin and sleeping pill.. very bumpy flight.. i kept thinking to myself.. shaken not stirred please.. i almost had to use all three seat belts and strap myself to the seats from foot to bust.. arrived in singapore(step seven) hooray!! i was tired and began to smell but at that time i wasn't sure if it was me or the chinese tourist.. i love the singapore airport.. has everything.. even a playscape, showers, movie theatre, beds, 3 meditating gardens, lots of shops, and very friendly people or they were to me.. (i wonder if i do have special powers outside the us?) or was it the beef? i chatted with my sister and marci.. i needed to hear someone i loved.. showered, slept, read some and chatted with an irish couple.. love them.. very funny.. reminded me of frank mccourt and rita rutner.. (step eight) maneuvered around the airport with ease.. didn't sleep much thanks to the airport police and their aka 47s waking me up to check my passport and boarding pass.. (i guess my powers were running low).. here is a funny story.. i was waiting for a transit tram to take me to terminal 2 where my plane was departing to kathmandu when an arriving tram arrived and out came at least 50 chinese tourists from beijing.. i was texting or reading and i heard shutter sounds.. i looked up and it was a sea of people taking my picture.. had i been more alive.. i would have taken their picture.. but i smiled and bowed.. (step nine) be gracious while traveling you will appreciate the kindness that follows.. found my airlines and another little person from bombay in the terminal.. and yes, i did go up to him and say hi.. because no.. i did not know him... his english was broken but he was visiting.. boarded the flight to kathmandu (this time i did not get an extra seat) instead the flight was booked! (step ten) remember headphones.. i was in the middle of 2 screaming kids and a group of nepalese students who played their not so nice music so loud that when i visited the bathroom in business class i could hear it.. (step eleven) find a happy place and let karma happen.. i finished my book... and the batteries apparently ran out so the music stopped... no movie but i did rest until the turbulence hit and it was bad.. worse than a hawaii trip i look with the kwans.. finally arrived in kathmandu.. found luggage, whisked through immigration, greeted by my friend (driver) and the orphanage director.. checked into hotel.. which is much smaller but much cheaper...(step twelve) tip well at first and you will be appreciated.. i took a shower and then decided to come down to use the internet and there was a fruit basket by my door.. thanks nice reception dude... well, i go to the ministry tomorrow and sabritri the director has already begun hitting me up for money.. and lots of it.. so, i will email lisa from the agency in the us.. and be very firm with sabriti.. we will see.. the adoption has already been approved.. i am here to complete the paperwork.. but like i told my sister when i called her which was @ 2am.. i don't have the money so i can complete the adoption and bring him home or just go home.. i don't have $8700 for some crazy fees.. Lisa did warn me and told me to be firm.. so that will be my approach.. i will be channeling my mom..

well, it is 2:30pm here on the 1st and i am going to get something to eat and may walk to the hotel i stayed at last night which is very close.. i want to stay up so i can sleep tonight.. this room has a/c which the previous radisson room did not..tomorrow is a 2-3 trip to the kathmandu ministry and then bring him back here and begin the bonding process.. or if i can't convince sabriti come home.. i don't know what else to do but try and bluff her.. thanks for reading this rather long journal.. i am still breathing but using a mask..

End of an journey

Today, was my last day employed as a teacher. I am nervous that I will not be able to teach again, but as I think about those thoughts I hear my sister telling to have faith. God has a plan for me, all will be ok.. I wish I had her faith and patience. I am getting ready to change my life completely, I will no longer be the only person I am responsible for.. I leave to complete a process I began almost three years ago. I will be bringing home a boy (my son) whom I will be responsible for the rest of our lives. WOW! That is scary to bring him home to uncertainty and a house full of Labradors.. whom are my four legged kids.. I know.. who is ever ready to be a mom..

I have 2 more sleeps in this country before my journey begins.. I hope my head and stomach begin to feel better. A friend told me that I should be safe from rat fever. I was bitten about 10 days ago during my raid to exterminate the vermin from my washroom and yes, i was successful.. i wonder if i will grow a tail instead?

breathe