Wanting an Ah Ha

Another morning here in Kathmandu. Last night I spent it alone after I informed Sabitri of the news from the embassy. She was quite upset and Sawyer wanted to stay with his friends. What was I supposed to do. Actually, I was quite relieved. I wanted so alone time to reflect on what has thus far transpired. In the hotel there is a mediation garden which is very peaceful and calming. I sat out there, drank tea, and contemplated my future. After much soul searching I come to realize that this somehow is a lesson I need to learn about myself. Maybe I am not ready to be his mom. I find myself wishing he was back in the orphanage and I do not know why. I might bring him home to a uncertain future like he has one here. I learned I can not apply for any type of govt aide for him. It is a stipulation in the adoption agreement from the govt. I do not have any insurance or a job that can offer financial stability. I know that I will find a job and my finances will fall back into place BUT. I wondered in that garden why I decided to adopt in the first place and why I decided after so long to come back. I am not sure what is going to happen now. I do know I leave on Tuesday and look forward to returning home, I wish I was there now. I do not regret coming because I know there is some lesson I need to learn through this experience hopefully my mind and soul will be clear enough to receive it.