Bridges

I made it back here after a year of motherhood. I have been so blessed to have made a journey of love to receive unconditional love. My daughter is this amazing, beautiful, smart, sweet, and made more adjectives that I am too tired to think of.. I just know I am lucky to have her and I will do everything I can to make her happy..

Lately I have been dealing with what seems like a loss of a friend, a very a friend whom I have known for more than 20 years.. I am sad, depressed, mad, confused, and lonely at the thought of this loss..


Feel somewhat better..

Heaven's phone

I wish heaven had a phone, so I could hear your voices again, I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought of you yesterday and days before too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your names. All I have are memories and a picturs in frames.

I miss you mom and dad..

tick tock

Good morning all.. I cant seem to get my internal clock ticking on the right time zone.. I am up all night and sleep all day... I figure by the time I get it right it will be time to go back home.. I am anxious today.. Yamini finally comes.. Late around 11pm and its going to be a fun night.. We have an early morning appointment at the embassy and then off to get her medical exam which I was expecting to do, I was told it would already be done.. Here comes the hitches in the plan..

Breakfast is coming and I might go and try to get some sightseeing done but I am not sure..

Cheers!

Arrival

Well, the traveling gnome has made it safely to India and it was an adventure. My flight from Houston to Doha, Qatar pronounced Cutter was very rough and packed. I sat by a window and had an Indian man sit in the aisle we had 1 seat btwn us. It was an older aircraft and the seat arms did NOT raise all the up.. The flight crew were nice but very busy so I did not get my ice cream! The food was a journey I ordered the chicken but it didn't look like chicken, taste like chicken, or even smell like chicken, so I didn't eat much. Doesn't everything taste like chicken? I did get to watch a couple of movies on the plane which was good. The flight took about 16 hours and after being up since 9am with a 8pm departure and already flown 5 hours I was tired..So, I sat there and tried to figure out how I am going to get some rest. The man in the aisle seat was already snoring and had his feet on the middle seat. Darn!! I tried the kneeling on the floor with my head on my seat (yes, I did fit) but that was uncomfortable. How do kids do it at church I wonder? I also had to hide from the stewardess so I sloped on down to the floor and slept there covered under a blanket. It wasn't that bad, really and I am glad that I am a travel size gnome. Once in Qatar which had a flurry Middle Eastern people that I had only seen on TV. I actually saw a lady in a full burka and my jaw dropped. I didn't know how to react, the man she was with was treating her like a possession not a person.

Boarding for India I somehow used my gnome powers of persuasion and got upgraded to business class! very nice the seats fold all the way down!! and the food was much better. I saved my nuts, crackers, and a bagel for later and watch a Everybody's Fine with Robert DeNiro I love that man.. Great movie.. ( I am going to try my powers on the return trip with Yamini and hopefully we can have a upgrade from Doha back to Houston..

I must write about what happened once I arrived in Delhi.. The airport is massive and you have to walk to immigration and wait in line. There was one line that said for physically challenged persons but I did not wait in that line (maybe that was my pride). When it was my turn the counter was at least 18 inches over my head and I had to tiptoe to hand the man my passport. But he did not take it. He acted as if I wasn't there. I was horrified. I looked around for some guidance and was ignored. So, I waited for the next available man and tried again.. This time he took it and looked at me like I was just let out of a circus. He stamped my passport and tossed it back over the counter where it fell on the floor. Mad, I said in English, I guess I know that I am in India with people like you. Next, I had to go buy some liquor for the bed/breakfast manager where I was staying, he asked and I say ok. I did that, got my luggage and proceeded to exit out of the airport where I was to be looking out for a man with a sign with my name on it and he would bring me to my room. I found him but he was surely surprised when he saw me.. He took my cart of luggage and rushed out of the airport. I desperately tried to keep up but I couldn't. I listened as people reacted to me and it hurt a lot. I recalled the same thing happened in Nepal and tried to block it out. But when someone comes up to you and pushes you deliberately while talking in a foreign language it is hard to block out. I need to be careful and not stereotype all Indian people but the ones at the airport were rude and disrespectful. I simply smiled at the man and said boo.. He moved and I walked away crying because I was mad. I summoned the rest of my courage not to get on the next flight back to US and left the airport. Americans can be brash and insensitive but for the most part there is a level of respect and acceptance. Yes, I get stared out everywhere I go but from a distance and quietly. Most of the time I don't even see it. Not here. I am glad I am taking Yamini away from their views and disapproving ideals. But, I must remember not all people here are like that. I just haven't found any that are not.
Tomorrow I plan to go to the market and do some sightseeing. Monday I meet with my social worker, director of the orphanage and most importantly Yamini. Tuesday and Wed we have appointments at the US embassy for her visa and Thursday I hope to take her to the zoo.. We fly out Friday morning at 4:45am and return back to Houston around 5pm. Its 7pm on a sat and I am watching several India men take out an ac in the kitchen where the computer is out to clean it.. Why couldn't there be a couple of cute Indian women doing this? Most laster.. Traveling gnome signing off

And here I go again on my own..

The traveling gnome is packing once again. I finally received my visa/passport and the go ahead to travel to India to complete the long anticipated adoption of Yamini. I am excited, worried, nervous, anxious, and exhausted with all the preparation and what ifs.. I wish they could just ship here (she's small and will fit into a large fed ex box).. maybe not right?!?

As I make plans for my students and partner teacher I am overwhelmed with kindness and excitement from all around. Work hasn't been a very safe and happy place to be at lately. I have been dreading driving here and hide in my classroom until it is time to go.. Its not the students nor the teachers (well maybe a few).. I have just been overwhelmed with everything and I cant seem to keep everything straight.. Excuses, excuses I know but I do not have anything else. I am ok with the possibility of not be offered another contract.. (I do plan to make noise about it; because I am a great teacher that affects positive change in my students lives).. I just want to be offered so I don't have to worry about what am I going to do next year.. I mean I do plan to apply in San Antonio, even if it is not in the education field, but use my masters to get a decent admin position in a different company.. My head is full of so many things the noise is deafening and tiresome.. (I just read what I wrote and my thoughts are all over the place) Too tired to edit anyways..

Red Tape..

As I am trying to prepare for my trip to India I have run into the perverbial government red tape. I sent my passport off in January for my visa which is a 7 day process. As of today, I have not received it. I was told today the consulate wants more paperwork regarding the adoption. I included the paperwork when I applied. I am beyond frustrated and my agency here is flustered. I am suppose to fly out on Sat. from Houston and have all my arrangements in Delhi already made. Now I have to wait for someone to review my application again and approve a visa.. Wait for someone to tell me I can finally depart on a journey long in waiting.. Wait again to be disappointed that this is not falling into place.. It reminds me of my last adoption journey. I wonder if this is a sign that this is not meant to be.. I am not to be blessed with a child or experience parenthood..

I just dont know anymore!

Crossroads

I am confused, torn, perplexed, and worn out over this adoption process.. As time ticks by my mind begins to wonder if i am making the right decision? Do I really want to adopt? Do I want a lifestyle change? Will I still be as spontaneous? I just dont know? I am really close.. I am just waiting on an article 5 approval and then i can make travel plans. I was hoping to go during holiday break from school but that has since come and went.. I guess I just need a sign..