Pretty Amazing

Today is national prayer day and I silently prayed small prayers of thanks through out the day for my family, friends, dogs, shelter, food, peace, and grace.

Tonight, I came home from class a bit uplifted with positive possibilities in the future for me and watched some TV. I heard a new song from Neil Diamond (yes, I love Neil. I admit it). These lyrics spoke to me deeply and expressed my feelings towards sister and my friends. Neil has a new album coming out next week and this is one of his new songs. I hope it touches whomever listens to it or reads this blog.

Pretty Amazing Grace
by Neil Diamond

Pretty Amazing Grace is what you show me
Pretty Amazing Grace is who you are
I was an empty vessel, you filled me up inside
and with an amazing grace restored my pride.
Pretty Amazing Grace is how you saved me and
with amazing grace reclaimed my heart.
Love in the midst of chaos, calm in the heat of war
Shown with amazing grace what love is for
You forgave my insensitivity and my attempt to mislead you
You stood beside a wretch like me
Pretty Amazing Grace was all I needed
Stumbled inside the doorway of your chapel
Humbled and odd by everything I found
Beauty and love surround me freed me from what I feared
I asked for Amazing Grace and you appeared
Pretty Amazing
Pretty Amazing
Pretty Amazing
You overcame my loss of hope and faith
Gave me a truth I could believe in
You led me to a higher place
Showed that love, truth, hope and grace were all I needed
Pretty Amazing
Pretty Amazing

Breathing peacefully.

New Mantra

Another day another dust bunny cleaned.. I completed and submitted my application for yet another job but this one is not in education.. Maybe a new hill to try? I did some spring cleaning today in my room. I am determined to assemble a dresser I brought from IKEA about 4 months ago this week. My ideal is to minimize the amount of furniture in my room, like my life.. Simplify.. Breathe.. Live.. Laugh.. and Love..

still here

small victory..

Great deals today at Target. I went in for dog food and a container for rice and walked out with 80 pds of dog food for $23, no rice container :(, several bags of dogs treats on clearance (chicken wrapped around a banana) i am almost tempted to try one, lots of cans goods, cereal, applesauce, ziploc bags, and a dutch oven all on clearance. It feels good to walk out of a store with more items bought than the amount you spent. 1 point for the at home gnome.. I needed a victory and a pick me up...

still breathing..

Bitter pill

Have you ever been given bad news and had to shallow it like a bitter pill? I heard back from academic advisor, she informed me I am going to have to wait until dec. to graduation "if all goes well.." So, i registered for a grad class that looks rather interesting and not to difficult. I applied for financial aid again for the fall and asked my advisor a few more questions. I swallowed the pill.. I am now waiting to hear from another prof. to find out what grade I will be making in her class.. (small pill, tastes like squash).. I would like to think that will be all the pills i will have to swallow but i am not going to hope for that.. one step at a time right?!?!!

breathing

shopping for jesus

Can Jesus's blood make the vilest sinner clean? i wonder.. or what about my blood? if it is shed will I be cleansed?

just when i thought life is good and i was at peace with life.. i get thrown back into worry, anxiety, frustration, anger, pain, disappoint in myself and doubt.. i have yet another obstacle to overcome this week which might effect my graduation for my masters'.. i cried hard (which is something i do not do easily), but i am scared and no one is here but my dogs whom i love.. i know i have many friends who listen, support, and love me.. but i am still alone here.. maybe i should leave my chosen field and start something else? social work? forest ranger? dog groomer? i just don't know.. i spoke with another teacher today and she prayed with me over the phone that jesus will take care of me, keep me safe, and let the truth set me free.. i am scared of the truth.. it will hurt and damage many lives... am i kidding myself? will i ever teach again? i need to teach it is my calling and feeds my soul... just when i begin to feel happiness it seems i am reminded that i do not deserve it.. where can i get a vile of God's blood? will that help? i am supposed to be reviewing for a makeup quiz i have but i can't stop my mind from racing with consequences and possible solutions..

i am going to find a good merlot and have a priest bless it for me.. do you think that counts as jesus's blood? does anyone know where i can pick up some grace? i am all out..

Quick step

I am finally at peace with everything that has happened in my life over the past month. I have path that is a means to an end. My house is finally clean, the way I clean it.. My dogs are happy and playful again since my return. And I have an idea of where I am going. Life is good..

Unanswered prayers

It is funny when you pray to God for whatever is ailing or your needs/wants and you don't seem to get the answer you expect. Garth Brooks has a song titled, "Unanswered Prayers". I listened to it today on my way back from my "first" training session with my new position as a parent trainer/ABA instructor. I spent 4 hours sitting on the floor in a therapy room listening to the owner of this corporation talk about parent training, aba training, and where her organization is going. I listened to her philosophy and expectations of her employees and cringed. Everything I have ever learned as an educator is on the opposite side of her beliefs. She is not interested in research, data, or trials. As an educator research determines what strategy or curriculum we use/try. Data drives instruction. I even own a shirt with that saying. Trials prove strategies and provide data for further instruction. Sounds rote doesn't it? I think she realized just what she got when she hired me. I have extensive knowledge in school districts/ARDs, I am BCBA certified (which I haven't told her), CPI certified, (I can restrain a child), and I have a decent reputation in the special education section in SA. As the time ticked on and my ass was getting numb I prayed silently asking if this is really for me.. (I don't have any other options now).. As I left the building Terri (boss lady) came up to me and thanked me for hanging in. She understands how this may seem out of my comfort zone and familiarity but it is worth it. Her clients are mainly Autistic children who need committed people such as myself. God's unanswered prayer. AND it pays extremely well.. So, I have a schedule of 30 hours over the next 2 weeks to shadow people. If this is God's intentions for me so be it. I just hope he answers my prayer and I will get a teaching contract for next year.

Confidence boost

Today I received my scores on my comprehensive exams which I needed to pass in order to graduate with my masters' degree. I have been waiting to here something from my university for such a long time. So, I pulled up my big girl panties and called the professor in charge of the scores. He mentioned he emailed me my results but I never did receive them. (i guess i am not the only one with computer problems eeh)? Not only did I pass, but I honored pass. This was huge for me. I have been given a shitty hand to deal with and now I was finally given a royal card. I am hoping that this positive trend will continue through this week. I did have one set back in regards to my sister who took out money from my savings acct to pay her bills.. didn't tell me while we were both @ the grocery store where i spent over hundred dollars knowing i had money in my savings.. NOT!!! I was and still am disappointed. I had thought she was passed that type of behavior. So, I just took my red box back and left her with her tempermental van. Maybe a bit of reality will make her appreciate my generiousity. Don't get me wrong my sister is amazing and I do love her. I hope she prays over this.. I did discuss my feelings about this and my disappointment. We shall see...

On a different note, I am considering applying for spring admission for a phd program in austin. I was given the ok today from a professor i have been working with. She will provide me a recommendation and her expertise to get in and complete this degree.. Maybe Austin or Houston.. Maybe a change of scenery will provide me some insight to purpose..

I love my dogs! They are beautiful, humorous, playful, youthful, smelly, and life saving. If you don't have a dog you should consider getting one. I would recommend a lab! I have a meeting tomorrow with a lady who has a company which provides parent training services and instructional/behavioral instruction to students with special needs. She informed me she already has 3 clients for me. It is not my ideal position but it is an mean to an end.. Time for some cereal.. Ciao mi amigos!

Dog Farts

Have you ever been asleep only to be awaken by a foul smell coming from somewhere in the room? As my body is trying to adjust to the time change I dozed off on the couch to be awaken by my Seamus snoring, Riley dreaming (chasing something), and Dakota, my little one, farting something awful. I couldn't figure out if it was something I brought back from Nepal. Nope it was her.. ugh.. I did not miss that...

Let sleeping dogs lie

I just got up which wasn't what I had planned today to sleep all day but I did and it is what it is. My dogs have not left my side since my arrival. I bathed them and found that Riley is a white lab not a chocolate one and Dakota smelled horrible and was filthy. Seamus on the other hand is sensitive, the biggest, and cleanest.. good boy!!! After such a good sleep, quality time with my dogs, a splendid time chatting with lil sis and mom I had a spiritual moment of quiet understanding and acceptance. (She is doing most excellent and her quick wit is beginning to return).. I have decided and accepted to let life simply happen and to gently follow along. I have need to finish my course work at UTSA and hopefully graduate with my masters.
The dogs of my past will remain asleep for there is no more I can offer nor desire.

home..

Well, my friend I made it home after many airplanes, layovers, hard couches, and undesirable airplane food. The first person I wanted to see when I finally walked out of SAT airport was my sister. She was there waiting for me unsure of what to say or even what to do. I stood there with all my luggage (except one), which I am sure will ever come home. I smiled and she ran to me and hugged me and just cried. She told me how much she loved me, missed me, and forgave me. I haven't forgiven myself. Can I forgive myself for leaving a child in a country with no real hope and a small part of me not wanting to go back? More on that later.. I drove up and saw my dogs whom I missed tremendously! I think when they saw my box they thought oh it's the other one. I walked in and squish left me TC's hooray.. I knew i should have not eaten it but I did and it was fabulous! lil sis let my babies in and my big boy Seamus knocked me over, Dakota who is so huge, just licked and licked.. Riley stood back and waited for the younger ones to calm down. I held on the each of them for wait seemed like an eternity then gave them a treat and ate some tacos! Jill said her goodbyes and we made a plan for tomorrow.. I have a doctors appt tomorrow to hopefully get a green light and i haven't picked up some scary third world infection.

I unpacked and started some laundry, which is less than I expected.. Squishy came home he looks good but his knee and ankle are pretty swollen. He gave me a card from a few friends which help him squish. A simple welcome walk and we love you card. I was brought to me knees in the bathroom as i read (but already knew) that I have many who love me not matter how messed up i am and through all my mistakes.. I then took a shower without the yellow water, crawled into bed with my dogs and fell asleep about 2am. The last person I thought of was S.. I do miss him.. I wonder what he is doing..

As for this weekend, I am not sure. I need to get my fingerprints from Austin sent to Nepal which after doing some online research this morning looks like I have to go in person and make that request.. Lil sis is going to some women's church event and my mom actually has a busy weekend with a trip on sat. to a hyperbarack center. I will see her tomorrow. I want to crawl into her bed or her chair and tell her how much i love her, miss her, and admire her. Lil sis wants me to go visit pancho or ms. treehugger.. i think she is going to clean my house.. so we shall see.. i had hoped to stay home, watch tv, play with my dogs, niece, and nephew..

I finished going through the mail which was a lot of crap.. Nothing from UTSA which is fine with me. Next week will be the week of answers from unemployment to my grade on my comps for grad school, i have another practice principal test next sat and i need to make up what i missed for my wed class.. OH!! There is a new Meatloaf commercial for AT&T very nice.. It is time for me to find a new road to journey down so I can get through this year. I am blessed to have many people in my life to assist me. Maybe, I will go lay down again.. This time change is going to be hard to adjust to than I expected..

What I learned

I learned to smile to a stranger makes them smile back. Kindness knows no bounderies.
Hot coffee dances in the early morning. An investment in human relations is worth it. To listen even though I don't fully understand the language. Dinner alone is nice but more interesting with new friend. Longing and familiarity brings contemplation and growth. To sit next to a senior couple during breakfast rather than college students from the states. To try new foods when my brain and stomach are not in agreement. The acquaintances I met @ the beginning of my trip are now friends and allies. Past experiences should be valued and cherished. Love knows no boundaries. A kind word or gesture can fill any and every bucket. That I am afraid of what is to come. That doubt can bring wonder and want. German people meet my expectations and Austrailians are hilarious. I like the crunchy bread things in the bar. To love bread and eggs I'm the mornings. And I hate eggs!!!! There are no CATS in Kathmandu!!!! A liter of beer is a lot! That no matter where I go someone will know my family!! To appreciate what I have and love in America. No matter how long I watch cricket I still do not understand the sport. Senior citizens everywhere hike up their pants to their chins. Indian people have horrible table manners and use no silverware. I am my father's daughter and everyone will love me... I love chocolate everywhere and anywhere in the world!!!!! Long flights are not pleasant no matter how much room you have!!! Tipping well upon arrival is key to a great stay!! Food is better the first time... Rooms are cheaper when you shop around.. Cold beer is good anywhere.. Question everything you eat and remember buff is not beef and there is no FDA.. Open your heart to grace and your life will be whole..


This is what I have learned. I hope it helps..

Final Countdown

This might be the last couple of days I spend here in Kathmandu. I return to the embassy today to get information regarding my adoption. I fear I already know the answer and have actually been preparing myself for it. I have talked to a good Texan friend who happens to be an immigration attorney, a fellow LP who has adopted several children from out of the country and dealt with our embassy and both confer that the embassy has the final say in granting his visa to return with me. If there is any doubt the visa will not be granted. So, I am going to have to wait and leave him here again. My biggest fear or hurdle is not the emotional issue of leaving again. (I actually want to leave now with or without him), is the orphanage director whom I have to ask to keep him because in Nepal's eyes he is mine. A tree hugger friend gave me some advice to keep my heart open to God's grace which I have and will continue to. I have spent some quality time with him and learned a great deal about myself as a future mom. My life is so fragile now I am not sure this was even the right decision to come but my heart pulled me here. I am now looking for more strength from my heart to get through this. I am still breathing and not eating meat. I have some serious stomach issues, my skin is turning yellow and is breaking out. I long for the US, my dogs, my sister, and my friends. But more so, I long for peace and stability in my life. Where's the coffee?

When in Rome

Have you ever heard that saying? When in Rome do as the Romans do? Well, I am here to offer some advice to that saying in reference to Nepal. When in Nepal besure to ask the meaning of a word on a menu. For example, Buff does NOT mean beef like I thought it did. It means water buffalo. Ok, that's not so bad and when in Roman try it right? Wrong! Especially, if you happen to visit the city zoo and see these water buffalo.. Not pretty my friends. Next, do not eat any meat here. As I traveled throughout the city I noticed that there is no FDA or any other means of safe processing of meat. Animals are slaughtered in the streets and put on tables for your purchase. Goats, dogs, chickens, boars, maybe even water buffalo. So, from that point on I decided to be a vegetarian for this trip. But, then you wonder if you eat eggs those come from chickens. Did the chicken I saw in the streets eating something red and yucky produce those eggs? HMM.. And the vegetables.. the water here is yellow.. yes, yellow.. I start a quick shower in yellow water.. so how about them vegetables? It is a never ending process of wondering where did this come from and will I end up with from digestive issue? So when I Nepal be careful..

On a different note, I find myself detaching from Sawyer daily.. I fear that I am going to have to leave him again.. We spent yesterday at the zoo and some sight seeing.. Today, he has a doctor's appt. for medical clearance and I think some more sight seeing. Tomorrow is the day when I go to the embassy to plea my case. I have many people praying to many gods hopefully one will here our prayers.

It is time for some breakfast and I am preparing my stomach to the journey.. Take Care my friends.

Wanting an Ah Ha

Another morning here in Kathmandu. Last night I spent it alone after I informed Sabitri of the news from the embassy. She was quite upset and Sawyer wanted to stay with his friends. What was I supposed to do. Actually, I was quite relieved. I wanted so alone time to reflect on what has thus far transpired. In the hotel there is a mediation garden which is very peaceful and calming. I sat out there, drank tea, and contemplated my future. After much soul searching I come to realize that this somehow is a lesson I need to learn about myself. Maybe I am not ready to be his mom. I find myself wishing he was back in the orphanage and I do not know why. I might bring him home to a uncertain future like he has one here. I learned I can not apply for any type of govt aide for him. It is a stipulation in the adoption agreement from the govt. I do not have any insurance or a job that can offer financial stability. I know that I will find a job and my finances will fall back into place BUT. I wondered in that garden why I decided to adopt in the first place and why I decided after so long to come back. I am not sure what is going to happen now. I do know I leave on Tuesday and look forward to returning home, I wish I was there now. I do not regret coming because I know there is some lesson I need to learn through this experience hopefully my mind and soul will be clear enough to receive it.

quiet moments

As I sit here at 7:30am in Nepal I am trying to make sense of what has conspired through my journey here. The adoption process seems to be a trial of will and faith. I receive good news, bad news, frustrating news, compassionate news, then heart breaking news. Now it seems that I might have to leave Sawyer here again but this time I will not be coming back. Due to an orphanage directors over enthusiasm issues have come to light as to the application process and completion with our US govt. I do not want to in any ways misconceive our govt and will follow there advice. As of right now I am not sure. What I am sure of is that this beautiful boy in a tie-dye shirt and jogging pants looks absolutely perfect and I wonder what God has in store. I wonder why would he send me here again only to be hurt? What am I supposed to learn? Will there be any signs? And can I live on rice here?

I do know that I am loved and supported and with that I will get through this.

New Title

Namaste,

Today, I was given a new title. That of mom. I completed 90% of the paperwork on the Nepal side for Sawyer today after much haggling with Sabiriti here. She took what I had planned to give her and pressed on. We spent most of the day in and out of the car, smiling, and signing my name. Tomorrow he gets a TB test, picture for visa, and our first visit to the US embassy. We are trying to finish this week because next week there is elections here for a new congress and constitution which means every govt. agency will be closed tues-friday.. ugh..

he is lying on the carpet playing with a car.. i think he understands but is seems tentative.. he mimics my words for things such as thank you, candy, please, help.. etc.. oh.. he first lesson today was use a toilet not the floor to pee.. very fun..
well, we are off to find snacks for the night.. i will post later.. thanks!

Twelve missteps of a roaming gnome

Namaste friends,

I actually made back to Kathmandu again in one piece and I did not lose anything. When I arrived it seemed the immigration/customs remembered who I was because I was whisked away without waiting in any lines. Nice.. Not like before.. It seems I am a strange being from some distant planet and the locals here are not sure if i am a nice/good gnome or an bad spirited one. I will let them judge from a distance. The city hasn't changed much. Lots of children in the streets, pollution worse than LA and Houston, driving on the opposite side of the road, no stop lights, (i prayed the hardest during my drive from the airport to the hotel) than i prayed during this journey thus far. I began my trek here @ 6am in San Antonio (step one), long lines @ 5am and San Antonians do not find me interesting so i had to wait in line. (don't they know i have powers?), flew to LA with a 7 hours layover (step 2) had to pick up luggage and walk 1.8 miles to the international terminal outside; the weather was nice and it felt good to walk.. waited, waited, waited until the ticket counter open.. begged very nice Japanese agent for aisle seat with no one next to me.. (step three) i even smiled which must have worked i have a entire row of seats to stretch out on which for a gnome is great.. so LA to Tokyo.. (step four) this is where you must pay attention to your itinerary and check the number of stops. i had one.. and apparently it was Japan.. the flight was 10 hours which was ok. i watched 3 movies.. took aspirin (thanks Nate) and a sleeping pill.. all was good except the food which i couldn't understand to choose and was glad i said the beef the other option chicken was in a green sauce... hmm? disembarked in tokyo.. japanese people make me feel tall (step five) bowing is easy when you are short and much appreciated.. i smiled and bowed.. i wonder if i go to japan will i be famous? reloaded the same plane in tokyo.. this time i had one person @ the end of the aisle for another 7 hours journey to singapore.. nice austrailian man who was on some life journey finding his soul which he thinks is in Bali.. we chatted.. watched 2 more movies.. i think I am caught up now (step six).. another aspirin and sleeping pill.. very bumpy flight.. i kept thinking to myself.. shaken not stirred please.. i almost had to use all three seat belts and strap myself to the seats from foot to bust.. arrived in singapore(step seven) hooray!! i was tired and began to smell but at that time i wasn't sure if it was me or the chinese tourist.. i love the singapore airport.. has everything.. even a playscape, showers, movie theatre, beds, 3 meditating gardens, lots of shops, and very friendly people or they were to me.. (i wonder if i do have special powers outside the us?) or was it the beef? i chatted with my sister and marci.. i needed to hear someone i loved.. showered, slept, read some and chatted with an irish couple.. love them.. very funny.. reminded me of frank mccourt and rita rutner.. (step eight) maneuvered around the airport with ease.. didn't sleep much thanks to the airport police and their aka 47s waking me up to check my passport and boarding pass.. (i guess my powers were running low).. here is a funny story.. i was waiting for a transit tram to take me to terminal 2 where my plane was departing to kathmandu when an arriving tram arrived and out came at least 50 chinese tourists from beijing.. i was texting or reading and i heard shutter sounds.. i looked up and it was a sea of people taking my picture.. had i been more alive.. i would have taken their picture.. but i smiled and bowed.. (step nine) be gracious while traveling you will appreciate the kindness that follows.. found my airlines and another little person from bombay in the terminal.. and yes, i did go up to him and say hi.. because no.. i did not know him... his english was broken but he was visiting.. boarded the flight to kathmandu (this time i did not get an extra seat) instead the flight was booked! (step ten) remember headphones.. i was in the middle of 2 screaming kids and a group of nepalese students who played their not so nice music so loud that when i visited the bathroom in business class i could hear it.. (step eleven) find a happy place and let karma happen.. i finished my book... and the batteries apparently ran out so the music stopped... no movie but i did rest until the turbulence hit and it was bad.. worse than a hawaii trip i look with the kwans.. finally arrived in kathmandu.. found luggage, whisked through immigration, greeted by my friend (driver) and the orphanage director.. checked into hotel.. which is much smaller but much cheaper...(step twelve) tip well at first and you will be appreciated.. i took a shower and then decided to come down to use the internet and there was a fruit basket by my door.. thanks nice reception dude... well, i go to the ministry tomorrow and sabritri the director has already begun hitting me up for money.. and lots of it.. so, i will email lisa from the agency in the us.. and be very firm with sabriti.. we will see.. the adoption has already been approved.. i am here to complete the paperwork.. but like i told my sister when i called her which was @ 2am.. i don't have the money so i can complete the adoption and bring him home or just go home.. i don't have $8700 for some crazy fees.. Lisa did warn me and told me to be firm.. so that will be my approach.. i will be channeling my mom..

well, it is 2:30pm here on the 1st and i am going to get something to eat and may walk to the hotel i stayed at last night which is very close.. i want to stay up so i can sleep tonight.. this room has a/c which the previous radisson room did not..tomorrow is a 2-3 trip to the kathmandu ministry and then bring him back here and begin the bonding process.. or if i can't convince sabriti come home.. i don't know what else to do but try and bluff her.. thanks for reading this rather long journal.. i am still breathing but using a mask..