Priceless

A trip to target for snacks for a road trip-- $5.75; Gas, music, and traveling games-- $68.23.. Spending the weekend with my family and friends enjoying nature priceless..


I had a good weekend, enjoyed myself tremendously even though I ingested too much river h2o on Sunday..

I am back working with my clients this week trying to get some sort of schedule and organization going to maintain time records and logs.. As well as open a dialog with my boss about returning to teaching in the Fall.. I think I have come to terms with teaching an hour and 20 minutes from home and commuting.. I have done the math it works out the same if I stay or if I go.. The tilting factor are my four legged kids.. I can't live without them nor can they without me especially S.. R would be sad but accepting and D would probably take her aggressions out on my house here.. (Speaking of my kids they are wrestling around the living room with a banana holder.. it is this obscene red plastic in the shape of a banana which looks like something else..) :* It was a gift from a seasonal friend I had last year.. I guess it was time to let that gift go..

So, I will commute and use the travel time to think, listen to books on tape, and plan my day.. Which will allow me to put my day into perspective.. I seem to be rambling today but I haven't blogged in a while so bear with me..

Today, I cried a little on my way to a new client who is absolutely wonderful.. I look forward going to her house and even if i have to drag myself there.. I was listening to Josh Groban's new CD Awake.. When I listen to it I am reminded of my seasonal friend and I realized how much I miss the friendship but know that it was not positive for me and it was onesided.. I was used and I made poor choices with this friend.. But I still miss the friendship.. Any how there is this song on there that helped me get through that feeling of loss and change today..




Still breathing..

Coincidence

My belief in giving God my faith has been somewhat wavering. I have always tried to find a logical answer and dealt with the consequences with that ideal. My life this year has been a rough one. I have had several deep holes in which I have had to dig out of..My shoulders are tired, my legs and knees hurt, my eyes are sore, my back is tense, and my soul has been hurt. But I have made it through so far. After my mom passed away I knew I still have another hole to dig myself out of.. It is a very deep and thorny hole.. I could lose everything; my career; my character; and my freedom.. But, there is some hope and I am coming to terms with it.

Now comes the coincidence; before my mom passed her family came down for a visit including her sister and a cousin from her oldest sister whom I have not yet met.. Jill played host to our relatives.. It is that relationship she fostered that has been very helpful.. She was able to call upon my cousin who was able to call a friend who is able to assist me. It is not going to be easy or cheap but the knots in my stomach are gone and I can sleep in peace and not worry or have fear.. So, this blessing that has been sent to me has connections that will hopefully bring this issue to rest in a calm and non-abrasive manner..

I blogged yesterday about the circles we run in and how people come in and come out.. Today, a friend sent me a text about God seeing me struggle and a blessing will be coming my way.. I initially thought it was from my sister but it wasn't.. it is was a friend who in not in this circle.. Is that a message or sign? I don't know but after talking with several people today I think no.. i know it was.. I know that today I was blessed and feel at peace for the first time in quite some time.. I am by no means out of the hole but I have a plan and a decent shovel..


breathing slowly..

Networking

The circles we run are filled with many friends.. many of us categorize our friends so they do not overlap. But it often happens during casual conversation you learn of other friends that you find interesting but never meet or people that sound very familiar.. Today, I met this wonderful mom who after an hour of conversation realized we have mutual friends through a couple of steps between us. When I confirmed the friendship with a friend of mine who knows her friend she knew of her.. It is amazing just how small this world we live in.. Being a dwarf I am often remembered but not this time it was a momma circle that brought it all together..

Valuable lesson is to be kind to others because someone knows someone else.. I found this video on youtube.. How many kids do you know?




I know.. I know.. Now you will have that tune in your head all day!! Enjoy!!

Life's decisions

It has been over a week since my mom has died and I am gradually dealing with the loss. Grief comes in waves and it takes time to wade through it. I have been trying to keep myself busy and with the help of friends I am dealing with it all.. I have been able to gather all the paperwork and sent it off to be probated by a family attorney.. One more step down.. I am consistenly working as a self contractor as an educational consult. I have also made some progress with my mother's belongings and donating to various charities and people.. All through it making decisions that will change everything..

I have a couple of major decisions to make soon. I honestly don't know what to do but I will pray and ask god for some help.. My sister tells me to put my trust in god and he will take care of me.. To me that is frightening, I have faith but only recently just found it..

It seems that society is making decisions that are changing the lives of many people so I am not alone.. Here is a song that I find inspiring.. Enjoy

Memo

I have just returned from a 7 hour viewing for my mom. My sister loving decided that a longer viewing would allow people to come in spurts and we (family) won't be overwhelmed like we were when my father passed. However and memo #1, visitors always come within the last 2 hours..so you are in a lull for 5 hours.. very boring and mind numbing.. memo #2 do not have expectations for a viewing.. We had a handful of people visit vs my father's where it was standing rm only.. although, today my third grade visited.. wow! memo #3 coming home after it really makes the reality of it all hit home.. I was blessed to have a tree hugger friend who was with me through out it all.. But, in the end I am now home alone without my mom and the prospect of her coming home.. I went into her room today, smelled her clothes, and realized that this was it, she was gone and I am home alone.. memo #4 love you family.. you will appreciate it and keep in touch with family friends.. do not let time or your schedule interrupt your friendship... these people are your past and will help remind/ground you through out this all.. My mom had a couple of friends in her life that were constant but somewhat distant.. My uncle Merle and Margaret.. Merle is a wonderful, kind, gentle, sincere, and funny man who friendship with my mo spanned 40 yrs.. Margaret is a fiercely independent (like my mom), compassionate, resourceful, and wise who met my mom and began a friendship that help each other raise their kids..memo #5 take each day step by step.. and have an idea of what to do with what.. and for now memo #6 take time for yourself to grieve..

Peace at Last

After a long and hard battle with MSRA my mother passed away early this morning. It was a relief to know she is finally in heaven telling my dad what to do.. But as I type this and sit in this house she and my father made I am reminded of her moreso than ever before and it hurts. I am alone now and my dogs can sense than I am in pain. But this is supposed to be about my mom..

She was extraordinary woman that I am lucky to call mom.. She was the last child of Patricia Sue and so loved as that.. My maternal grandmother died shortly after that and my mom's world change drastically as my grandfather remarried.. Throughout her life she struggled to be accepted and demonstrate her independence.. As a college student she worked hard to prove that she can do her job but she was often judge by her size not her ability. Her resiliency and close friends (Merle and Bertha) loved her enough that she was able to come out of her shell.. My mom met my dad at an LPA meeting.. I have to tell the story for those who knew (wow.. past tense) my parents.. My dad (whom everyone loved) like the drink and has a few at a regional meeting when he walked into the ladies room and saw my mom.. It was love at first sight for him.. He pursued (almost stalked) her.. She (having low self-esteem and efficacy) gave my dad a run for his money but eventually gave in.. They were married 6 months after their first encounter.. From family friends I have been told they were meant for each other...My dad being spontaneous, humorous, and easy going gave my mom some serenity.. and my mom being uptight, independent, and shielded gave my dad a purpose.. I have been told they loved each other very much and were very excited about having kids.. My mom's bbf told me she was scared when she was pregnant with me because she was unsure of herself and how society who treat me.. She did not want me to go through what she did.. And I didn't.. I was born 2 years after their marriage and then 2 years and 1 day my beautiful sister was born and now there were 4 more dwarves in the world.. My mom was a strict, patient, inventive mom.. She would often use some sort of educational punish such as picking pecans outside and then coming in and completing oral word prblms.. Throughout my life my mom instilled a fierce independence, resiliency, high expectations, and passion for education.. As a teacher, she impacted many lives positively.. My parents "adopted" 2 boys and raised them as their own.. These men now are protective, brilliant, independent, and nurturing men thanks to the lessons they instilled..

I have always had some friction with my mom.. mostly because I am like her and we often did not see eye to eye.. Her expectations for me were so much higher than for my sister and i resented that in the beginning.. Now I am only hope and pray I live up to her and make the impact in lives that she has..

Mom, I love you more than I can even express.. I have always tried to make you proud of me and live up to your expectations only to learn you expected me to be compassionate about my passions.. You have raised 4 people into intelligent, loyal, loving, life learning adults. We owe you our souls and will always remember you.. I am humbled and laugh silently to know that you are finally with the love of your life watching over us.. You are my inspiration..

Crying but breathing.. This is for you..

Closing chapters

Being a rather cynical and somewhat pessimistic person I have learned through hard life lessons the importance of closing chapters in ones life so you can begin a new one. Over the past few months I was working hard on several chapters of companionship, dishonesty, doubting, and forgetting. Not very healthy at all but I wasn't open for any suggestions or listening to any warnings. Life then hit me hard.. right in the face, gut, and heart.. now I have been scrambling to regain my self efficacy, self esteem, confidence, trust, and forgiveness.. All throughout I have grown personally and emotionally. I have a deeper and richer understanding of friends, loyalty, and what is righteous.. I have not always made good decisions for myself and have hurt people along the way. In hindsight, I understand why life hit me in the face and what I need to do to move forward. Closure is an important aspect to complete to be able to move forward in your life. I have begun to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and make restitution to myself and those who were in between.. It feels peaceful to express your inner feelings and release the fear, anxiety, hurt, and let go of the what ifs in a simple gesture or small paragraph. I am not expecting anything in return but the act has given me a sense of being that I can move on and work through what is to come next with a sense of humanity, compassion, and integrity which I have previously ignored.. Life is good when you are good at life...

Still breathing along..

PS.. Mom is still hanging on.. She has had a couple of rough nights with fluid in her lungs but her strong heart and will have pulled her through. I am relieved she is still here but agonize over her current condition.

Dakota

Here she is resting with moose..

The last of my four legged kids is Dakota. She was born on Nov. 10th of 2007 and was a gift from a friend. She is a black lab which rounds out the three. I have one of each color of the breed. When choosing Dakota I actually chose another pup who was older and I would have been able to take home sooner but the moose(friend) wanted her so that was it. We picked up up together and brought her home. Dakota has been unlike any pup I have ever had. She is extremely curious, playful, mischievous, well mannered, and adorable. She has the clearest eyes that look right into. I compare it to when a child sleeps that type of innocence. Her first few months were quite while still got acquainted with the Seamus and Riley. Now that she is part of the pack she has found herself. Dakota loves to explore. She has brought me much humor and frustration. Her name doesn't fall along with Riley and Seamus. I had originally wanted another Irish name but I couldn't find one that fit her. So, I browsed Native American names and she responded to it.

Some of her antics include a head in the fish tank (now I have 4 fish left), pulling a pipe off a water line, countless shoes, a bag of potatoes, books, wicker baskets, a bag of charcoal, wood, purse, curtains, child and dog toys, water hose and my favorite pair of sweats have all been victims of her curiosity. Lately I have been trying to spend a lot of time with my dogs working with their behavior and training them as a pack. She seems to be the one who has an innate idea of what needs to be done. Today, I threw a Frisbee (I don't even know where it came from but she brought it to me), and she caught it in midair and returned it.. My hopes and plans for Dakota has somewhat changed I had planned on breeding her with Seamus but I am not sure now. I had wanted at least two more labs but I don't think I can afford that many more nor could my house and sanity survive another Dakota. We will see... Dakota sleeps with me every night at the foot of the bed snoring along with Seamus. She tries to be a lap dog whenever possible and has now begun to whine when she needs to go outside (hooray).. I love my Dakota although during some of her antics I often threatened to return to sender.. But I can't.. with those eyes and that face I am a sucker.. This is her first pic..


.. Calm before the storm