Bits of humor through a trying time

Another day and my mom is still hanging on.. She look much more at peace now than before but her breathing has changed.. My sis and I spent most of the day with her yesterday.. along with a string of family friends who came last evening to visit.. At one time she had 8 men in her room.. why can't i get those odds?

today is my nephew's 13th birthday.. he is a teenager now and very excited about it.. my sis and i are going to take him and some school friends to play miniature golf later today.. it is very nice to have his coming of age as a distraction...

lastly, before i shower because i have concluded that it is i that smell and not my dogs.. oh.. i forgot to mention what my little one (dakota.. the black 6mon lab) did on mon night.. i was drinkin some screwdrivers and decided to clean the fish tank.. she decided to inspect for herself what was going on in the fish tank so she stuck her face into the tank.. it was on of the funniest things i have seen her do.. i called her and she looked at me like what? am i not cute? no fish were harmed during her exploration...

i love my dogs.. and the many friends through this world that silently pray for me and my family.. my courage and strength are refilled with your thoughts and prayers..

Little angels

I kept myself busy for most part of the day with clients.. working with children with autism fills my heart up with substance. I visited my mom today.. no change from yesterday.. i read her a few poems from emily post whom she likes...my sis and i have begun to make arrangements for my mom when she passes. When a person is still here it seems easier to make those decisions about who, where, when, and how.. at least for me vs my dad's funeral.. now we wait and pray... we have been told it will be very soon.. i wish my dad were here right now to soothe my sorrow.. but i am thankful he is not.. he would not have been able to handle his beloved going first.. my mom was stern and disciplined while handling her grief.. i am trying to find the courage to be like her but i am not sure i have much left.. maybe some oreos or chip ahoy will help..

as i sit here watching tv and typing i cry gently on the keyboard wishing to have some more time.. wishing things were different.. wishing.. wishing.. wishing.. but i know some wishes are not granted.. my mom seems content.. she is not in any pain now and that is huge.. i am trying to remember what a happy and fullfilled life she had and still has now.. it is god's turn to enjoy here.. that reminds me what my niece said on sunday when we took her to visit my mom.. my sis was explaining to her than mo mo is going to heaven to be with jesus.. he needs her right now.. she looked at my sis and then at mo mo and asked why? sis explained again.. why? another jab at explaining.. then after a long pause and glance at me and mo mo she told my sis why doesn't he take me instead so you won't be sad? i had to leave.. sorry to my sis.. but i had to leave.. i do not know what my sis told her but she was smiling when i came back in.. it is amazing what children say and how they think.. i believe an angel was there with her when she said that...

Driveway moment

I visited my mom a couple of times today. She responds softly to her name and smiles at you then drifts back to sleep. We have discontinued the feeding tube today because her body was not absorbing it. I sat there this morning and just talked to her about the dogs, my week, and told her about a new book I am reading. She would occasionally open her eyes and smile. I left after a while and drove home in silence. Crying softly realizing that the end is very near.. I thought this letting go process would be easier because it is gradual. It is not.. Realizing that I won't be able to see her, have her listen to me ramble, and smile at me when I need reassurance it difficult.

I also realized that this had been a very disruptive few months. March, my career was halted.. April, my son was left behind.. May, I will most likely lose my mom.. God only gives you what you can handle right? I will be a stronger person right? There are answers around the corner right?

I went to church this morning and prayed for peace, more faith, and grace to get through this and support my family. I know I will endure and live through this with resiliency and fortitude.. I thank my mom for those qualities I have.. She has taught me to always has passion for what you want.. Do not let anyone tell you that you can't!

Mom.. This is for you...

Message from the TV

It is amazing how you can find strength and peace in the most unlikely place. Today has been a trying day for me. My mother whom I am more alike than I am ready to admit has begun to decline. She was a strong willed, brilliant, articulate, caring, crafty, loving, and tender.. now is a shell of that person I loved so and was so afraid of turning into.. It is hard to see and hear her now crying and pleading for some peace.. what are we supposed to do but try and provide some comfort for her and spend as much time with her as we can... At this moment I can't imagine not being able to see her or caress her delicate hands.. have her look at me with those ageless eyes and tell me with them that she loves me, she is proud of me, and she admires all i have done..

I came home today from work, cleaned the house, and quietly sat and prayed over the events today.. I prayed that I will find the strength to get through this closing chapter gracefully.. I prayed to God to please give me a sign she hears me.. Here is a song that was on tv..





Next video is my favorite song that captures my parents courting... I post it in their honor. I hope you enjoy..




Tomorrow is another day.. I will remember to breathe and find strength and peace in music, my dogs, and the simple things in life..

Three Dog Night

My third dog has been bit of a handful. She has chewed 3 water containers, 2 dryer vents, and 1 water pipe (to the point it broke and I had to call to get the water turned off and the pipe replaced) also the hose which is now is 4 pieces. Last night, thanks to the rain, the dogs had to stay in all night in which, she proceeded to take a complete medium pizza off the table and eat it (with some help from number two dog) and the ice cream container was torn apart in the living room. I woke up to 2 shredded boxes and 3 piles of poop the size of my face.. What am I going to do with #3? I often threat to send her to the person who gave her to me, but I think I would miss her too much.. I am going to pray she grows out of this. #2 dog did go through this but all he ended up chewing were 2 remote controls. #1 chewed my glasses and some shoes (but shoes don't count do they?)

On a different note my mom is going down a deteriorating path. She has several infections throughout her body and is not responding well to an aggressive set of antibiotics. She is in a lot of pain and cries often. I spent the day with her today trying to figure out where is the best place for her. She wants to be in hospice care but that does not come with home health care. She can go back into a nursing home, but that is not what she wants. I think she just wants to come home. I want her home to but she needs a type care that I physically can't do.. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully more options will become available.

Some positive news... things are looking up for employment. I had 2 interviews this week that went extremely well.. And my consulting gig is picking up... so some good some bad.. some highs some lows.. but all the while still breathing and praying and cleaning up after my kids (dogs)...

Circumstantial

I heard that word a lot today. It sounds intimidating and foreboding much like how I feel. But life does get better right? I often thought today about starting a new path only to discover that the baggage you thought you lost found you. Is it just circumstances or is there a higher power with a different plan I am not aware of? Maybe I should just stop hiding and increase my self-efficacy by believing that I am not a circumstantial person. I am a substantial person.

Just above the calf

All my life I have had to alter cars, counters, and clothes. I picked up a graduation robe today and was informed that I would once again have to alter it because it doesn't fit. My life has been filled with things that haven't fit; ex-husbands, annoying fish, and a society that is bigger than I am. But I have managed to fit in.. Its just sometimes I wish there wasn't a 'just above the calf'.