shopping for jesus

Can Jesus's blood make the vilest sinner clean? i wonder.. or what about my blood? if it is shed will I be cleansed?

just when i thought life is good and i was at peace with life.. i get thrown back into worry, anxiety, frustration, anger, pain, disappoint in myself and doubt.. i have yet another obstacle to overcome this week which might effect my graduation for my masters'.. i cried hard (which is something i do not do easily), but i am scared and no one is here but my dogs whom i love.. i know i have many friends who listen, support, and love me.. but i am still alone here.. maybe i should leave my chosen field and start something else? social work? forest ranger? dog groomer? i just don't know.. i spoke with another teacher today and she prayed with me over the phone that jesus will take care of me, keep me safe, and let the truth set me free.. i am scared of the truth.. it will hurt and damage many lives... am i kidding myself? will i ever teach again? i need to teach it is my calling and feeds my soul... just when i begin to feel happiness it seems i am reminded that i do not deserve it.. where can i get a vile of God's blood? will that help? i am supposed to be reviewing for a makeup quiz i have but i can't stop my mind from racing with consequences and possible solutions..

i am going to find a good merlot and have a priest bless it for me.. do you think that counts as jesus's blood? does anyone know where i can pick up some grace? i am all out..

Quick step

I am finally at peace with everything that has happened in my life over the past month. I have path that is a means to an end. My house is finally clean, the way I clean it.. My dogs are happy and playful again since my return. And I have an idea of where I am going. Life is good..

Unanswered prayers

It is funny when you pray to God for whatever is ailing or your needs/wants and you don't seem to get the answer you expect. Garth Brooks has a song titled, "Unanswered Prayers". I listened to it today on my way back from my "first" training session with my new position as a parent trainer/ABA instructor. I spent 4 hours sitting on the floor in a therapy room listening to the owner of this corporation talk about parent training, aba training, and where her organization is going. I listened to her philosophy and expectations of her employees and cringed. Everything I have ever learned as an educator is on the opposite side of her beliefs. She is not interested in research, data, or trials. As an educator research determines what strategy or curriculum we use/try. Data drives instruction. I even own a shirt with that saying. Trials prove strategies and provide data for further instruction. Sounds rote doesn't it? I think she realized just what she got when she hired me. I have extensive knowledge in school districts/ARDs, I am BCBA certified (which I haven't told her), CPI certified, (I can restrain a child), and I have a decent reputation in the special education section in SA. As the time ticked on and my ass was getting numb I prayed silently asking if this is really for me.. (I don't have any other options now).. As I left the building Terri (boss lady) came up to me and thanked me for hanging in. She understands how this may seem out of my comfort zone and familiarity but it is worth it. Her clients are mainly Autistic children who need committed people such as myself. God's unanswered prayer. AND it pays extremely well.. So, I have a schedule of 30 hours over the next 2 weeks to shadow people. If this is God's intentions for me so be it. I just hope he answers my prayer and I will get a teaching contract for next year.

Confidence boost

Today I received my scores on my comprehensive exams which I needed to pass in order to graduate with my masters' degree. I have been waiting to here something from my university for such a long time. So, I pulled up my big girl panties and called the professor in charge of the scores. He mentioned he emailed me my results but I never did receive them. (i guess i am not the only one with computer problems eeh)? Not only did I pass, but I honored pass. This was huge for me. I have been given a shitty hand to deal with and now I was finally given a royal card. I am hoping that this positive trend will continue through this week. I did have one set back in regards to my sister who took out money from my savings acct to pay her bills.. didn't tell me while we were both @ the grocery store where i spent over hundred dollars knowing i had money in my savings.. NOT!!! I was and still am disappointed. I had thought she was passed that type of behavior. So, I just took my red box back and left her with her tempermental van. Maybe a bit of reality will make her appreciate my generiousity. Don't get me wrong my sister is amazing and I do love her. I hope she prays over this.. I did discuss my feelings about this and my disappointment. We shall see...

On a different note, I am considering applying for spring admission for a phd program in austin. I was given the ok today from a professor i have been working with. She will provide me a recommendation and her expertise to get in and complete this degree.. Maybe Austin or Houston.. Maybe a change of scenery will provide me some insight to purpose..

I love my dogs! They are beautiful, humorous, playful, youthful, smelly, and life saving. If you don't have a dog you should consider getting one. I would recommend a lab! I have a meeting tomorrow with a lady who has a company which provides parent training services and instructional/behavioral instruction to students with special needs. She informed me she already has 3 clients for me. It is not my ideal position but it is an mean to an end.. Time for some cereal.. Ciao mi amigos!

Dog Farts

Have you ever been asleep only to be awaken by a foul smell coming from somewhere in the room? As my body is trying to adjust to the time change I dozed off on the couch to be awaken by my Seamus snoring, Riley dreaming (chasing something), and Dakota, my little one, farting something awful. I couldn't figure out if it was something I brought back from Nepal. Nope it was her.. ugh.. I did not miss that...

Let sleeping dogs lie

I just got up which wasn't what I had planned today to sleep all day but I did and it is what it is. My dogs have not left my side since my arrival. I bathed them and found that Riley is a white lab not a chocolate one and Dakota smelled horrible and was filthy. Seamus on the other hand is sensitive, the biggest, and cleanest.. good boy!!! After such a good sleep, quality time with my dogs, a splendid time chatting with lil sis and mom I had a spiritual moment of quiet understanding and acceptance. (She is doing most excellent and her quick wit is beginning to return).. I have decided and accepted to let life simply happen and to gently follow along. I have need to finish my course work at UTSA and hopefully graduate with my masters.
The dogs of my past will remain asleep for there is no more I can offer nor desire.

home..

Well, my friend I made it home after many airplanes, layovers, hard couches, and undesirable airplane food. The first person I wanted to see when I finally walked out of SAT airport was my sister. She was there waiting for me unsure of what to say or even what to do. I stood there with all my luggage (except one), which I am sure will ever come home. I smiled and she ran to me and hugged me and just cried. She told me how much she loved me, missed me, and forgave me. I haven't forgiven myself. Can I forgive myself for leaving a child in a country with no real hope and a small part of me not wanting to go back? More on that later.. I drove up and saw my dogs whom I missed tremendously! I think when they saw my box they thought oh it's the other one. I walked in and squish left me TC's hooray.. I knew i should have not eaten it but I did and it was fabulous! lil sis let my babies in and my big boy Seamus knocked me over, Dakota who is so huge, just licked and licked.. Riley stood back and waited for the younger ones to calm down. I held on the each of them for wait seemed like an eternity then gave them a treat and ate some tacos! Jill said her goodbyes and we made a plan for tomorrow.. I have a doctors appt tomorrow to hopefully get a green light and i haven't picked up some scary third world infection.

I unpacked and started some laundry, which is less than I expected.. Squishy came home he looks good but his knee and ankle are pretty swollen. He gave me a card from a few friends which help him squish. A simple welcome walk and we love you card. I was brought to me knees in the bathroom as i read (but already knew) that I have many who love me not matter how messed up i am and through all my mistakes.. I then took a shower without the yellow water, crawled into bed with my dogs and fell asleep about 2am. The last person I thought of was S.. I do miss him.. I wonder what he is doing..

As for this weekend, I am not sure. I need to get my fingerprints from Austin sent to Nepal which after doing some online research this morning looks like I have to go in person and make that request.. Lil sis is going to some women's church event and my mom actually has a busy weekend with a trip on sat. to a hyperbarack center. I will see her tomorrow. I want to crawl into her bed or her chair and tell her how much i love her, miss her, and admire her. Lil sis wants me to go visit pancho or ms. treehugger.. i think she is going to clean my house.. so we shall see.. i had hoped to stay home, watch tv, play with my dogs, niece, and nephew..

I finished going through the mail which was a lot of crap.. Nothing from UTSA which is fine with me. Next week will be the week of answers from unemployment to my grade on my comps for grad school, i have another practice principal test next sat and i need to make up what i missed for my wed class.. OH!! There is a new Meatloaf commercial for AT&T very nice.. It is time for me to find a new road to journey down so I can get through this year. I am blessed to have many people in my life to assist me. Maybe, I will go lay down again.. This time change is going to be hard to adjust to than I expected..