Peace at Last

After a long and hard battle with MSRA my mother passed away early this morning. It was a relief to know she is finally in heaven telling my dad what to do.. But as I type this and sit in this house she and my father made I am reminded of her moreso than ever before and it hurts. I am alone now and my dogs can sense than I am in pain. But this is supposed to be about my mom..

She was extraordinary woman that I am lucky to call mom.. She was the last child of Patricia Sue and so loved as that.. My maternal grandmother died shortly after that and my mom's world change drastically as my grandfather remarried.. Throughout her life she struggled to be accepted and demonstrate her independence.. As a college student she worked hard to prove that she can do her job but she was often judge by her size not her ability. Her resiliency and close friends (Merle and Bertha) loved her enough that she was able to come out of her shell.. My mom met my dad at an LPA meeting.. I have to tell the story for those who knew (wow.. past tense) my parents.. My dad (whom everyone loved) like the drink and has a few at a regional meeting when he walked into the ladies room and saw my mom.. It was love at first sight for him.. He pursued (almost stalked) her.. She (having low self-esteem and efficacy) gave my dad a run for his money but eventually gave in.. They were married 6 months after their first encounter.. From family friends I have been told they were meant for each other...My dad being spontaneous, humorous, and easy going gave my mom some serenity.. and my mom being uptight, independent, and shielded gave my dad a purpose.. I have been told they loved each other very much and were very excited about having kids.. My mom's bbf told me she was scared when she was pregnant with me because she was unsure of herself and how society who treat me.. She did not want me to go through what she did.. And I didn't.. I was born 2 years after their marriage and then 2 years and 1 day my beautiful sister was born and now there were 4 more dwarves in the world.. My mom was a strict, patient, inventive mom.. She would often use some sort of educational punish such as picking pecans outside and then coming in and completing oral word prblms.. Throughout my life my mom instilled a fierce independence, resiliency, high expectations, and passion for education.. As a teacher, she impacted many lives positively.. My parents "adopted" 2 boys and raised them as their own.. These men now are protective, brilliant, independent, and nurturing men thanks to the lessons they instilled..

I have always had some friction with my mom.. mostly because I am like her and we often did not see eye to eye.. Her expectations for me were so much higher than for my sister and i resented that in the beginning.. Now I am only hope and pray I live up to her and make the impact in lives that she has..

Mom, I love you more than I can even express.. I have always tried to make you proud of me and live up to your expectations only to learn you expected me to be compassionate about my passions.. You have raised 4 people into intelligent, loyal, loving, life learning adults. We owe you our souls and will always remember you.. I am humbled and laugh silently to know that you are finally with the love of your life watching over us.. You are my inspiration..

Crying but breathing.. This is for you..

Closing chapters

Being a rather cynical and somewhat pessimistic person I have learned through hard life lessons the importance of closing chapters in ones life so you can begin a new one. Over the past few months I was working hard on several chapters of companionship, dishonesty, doubting, and forgetting. Not very healthy at all but I wasn't open for any suggestions or listening to any warnings. Life then hit me hard.. right in the face, gut, and heart.. now I have been scrambling to regain my self efficacy, self esteem, confidence, trust, and forgiveness.. All throughout I have grown personally and emotionally. I have a deeper and richer understanding of friends, loyalty, and what is righteous.. I have not always made good decisions for myself and have hurt people along the way. In hindsight, I understand why life hit me in the face and what I need to do to move forward. Closure is an important aspect to complete to be able to move forward in your life. I have begun to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and make restitution to myself and those who were in between.. It feels peaceful to express your inner feelings and release the fear, anxiety, hurt, and let go of the what ifs in a simple gesture or small paragraph. I am not expecting anything in return but the act has given me a sense of being that I can move on and work through what is to come next with a sense of humanity, compassion, and integrity which I have previously ignored.. Life is good when you are good at life...

Still breathing along..

PS.. Mom is still hanging on.. She has had a couple of rough nights with fluid in her lungs but her strong heart and will have pulled her through. I am relieved she is still here but agonize over her current condition.