Blindly

What is it about money that tears people apart? I was given an ultimatum today and money is at the root of it. I have a small benefit coming to me that I need to use for some legal issues which were created by this person. It went so far as an if then situation. A contestment of the will could occur which would delay the deed title change which would delay a home equity loan I need to complete all the legal issues and save me from any adverse legal actions. I am trying to see both sides of this story but it is hard to see through the hurt..

Well, i am off work on some projects for some clients..

What's under my bridge?!?!?!

I have been busy cleaning my domain, reorganizing my mom's stuff, and fixing bits and pieces of this wonderful little house of mine thus I have forgotten to take time for myself. However, thanks to a very unexpected phone call I received today I remember how uplifting it is to blog.. When my mom passed I expected to receive some calls from previous colleagues I worked with but did not. I chalked it up to a one-sided conversation and me being the missing piece. I was hurt and disappointed but got over it. I have a new circle of friends, a new job, a new/old family friend who I am very happy he is in my life again and of course a strong knit of faithful friends who have not left me.. Lately, I have been missing those friends and those relationships, wondering if I will ever be able to overcome this feeling of loss.

But life goes on and another bridge is built as another burns.. I guess so.. As I spoke with SV I wondered how and why it has taken her so long to call? Why hasn't anyone else? I was very guarded during my conversation and she was graceful and polite. I was glad she called but upset that she has been the only one so far. I wonder if this will ever become water under the bridge or will I just park a troll under this bridge to guard those emotions?

On another note we are supposed to go spread my parents ashes in Corpus this weekend hopefully; but my sis is having reservations and I believe letting do issues.. I know my parents would want up to spread them as soon so we can move on.. I am wanting to close this chapter so I can begin a new school year with a new beginning and get through this year.. I am praying and hoping next year will be much better. I am so over 08.. Bring on the odd years! Well, I need to bring in my kids..

OHOH! I forgot to mention to myself that as a bartering tool with one of my clients; I now have a personal chef. She needs my services but can't afford the monetary costs. I agreed to work with her and her kids and she agreed to cook for me.. Not bad eeh.. Maybe my diet and body will become more at peace and in tune.. We shall see..

Still breathing...

Priceless

A trip to target for snacks for a road trip-- $5.75; Gas, music, and traveling games-- $68.23.. Spending the weekend with my family and friends enjoying nature priceless..


I had a good weekend, enjoyed myself tremendously even though I ingested too much river h2o on Sunday..

I am back working with my clients this week trying to get some sort of schedule and organization going to maintain time records and logs.. As well as open a dialog with my boss about returning to teaching in the Fall.. I think I have come to terms with teaching an hour and 20 minutes from home and commuting.. I have done the math it works out the same if I stay or if I go.. The tilting factor are my four legged kids.. I can't live without them nor can they without me especially S.. R would be sad but accepting and D would probably take her aggressions out on my house here.. (Speaking of my kids they are wrestling around the living room with a banana holder.. it is this obscene red plastic in the shape of a banana which looks like something else..) :* It was a gift from a seasonal friend I had last year.. I guess it was time to let that gift go..

So, I will commute and use the travel time to think, listen to books on tape, and plan my day.. Which will allow me to put my day into perspective.. I seem to be rambling today but I haven't blogged in a while so bear with me..

Today, I cried a little on my way to a new client who is absolutely wonderful.. I look forward going to her house and even if i have to drag myself there.. I was listening to Josh Groban's new CD Awake.. When I listen to it I am reminded of my seasonal friend and I realized how much I miss the friendship but know that it was not positive for me and it was onesided.. I was used and I made poor choices with this friend.. But I still miss the friendship.. Any how there is this song on there that helped me get through that feeling of loss and change today..




Still breathing..

Coincidence

My belief in giving God my faith has been somewhat wavering. I have always tried to find a logical answer and dealt with the consequences with that ideal. My life this year has been a rough one. I have had several deep holes in which I have had to dig out of..My shoulders are tired, my legs and knees hurt, my eyes are sore, my back is tense, and my soul has been hurt. But I have made it through so far. After my mom passed away I knew I still have another hole to dig myself out of.. It is a very deep and thorny hole.. I could lose everything; my career; my character; and my freedom.. But, there is some hope and I am coming to terms with it.

Now comes the coincidence; before my mom passed her family came down for a visit including her sister and a cousin from her oldest sister whom I have not yet met.. Jill played host to our relatives.. It is that relationship she fostered that has been very helpful.. She was able to call upon my cousin who was able to call a friend who is able to assist me. It is not going to be easy or cheap but the knots in my stomach are gone and I can sleep in peace and not worry or have fear.. So, this blessing that has been sent to me has connections that will hopefully bring this issue to rest in a calm and non-abrasive manner..

I blogged yesterday about the circles we run in and how people come in and come out.. Today, a friend sent me a text about God seeing me struggle and a blessing will be coming my way.. I initially thought it was from my sister but it wasn't.. it is was a friend who in not in this circle.. Is that a message or sign? I don't know but after talking with several people today I think no.. i know it was.. I know that today I was blessed and feel at peace for the first time in quite some time.. I am by no means out of the hole but I have a plan and a decent shovel..


breathing slowly..

Networking

The circles we run are filled with many friends.. many of us categorize our friends so they do not overlap. But it often happens during casual conversation you learn of other friends that you find interesting but never meet or people that sound very familiar.. Today, I met this wonderful mom who after an hour of conversation realized we have mutual friends through a couple of steps between us. When I confirmed the friendship with a friend of mine who knows her friend she knew of her.. It is amazing just how small this world we live in.. Being a dwarf I am often remembered but not this time it was a momma circle that brought it all together..

Valuable lesson is to be kind to others because someone knows someone else.. I found this video on youtube.. How many kids do you know?




I know.. I know.. Now you will have that tune in your head all day!! Enjoy!!

Life's decisions

It has been over a week since my mom has died and I am gradually dealing with the loss. Grief comes in waves and it takes time to wade through it. I have been trying to keep myself busy and with the help of friends I am dealing with it all.. I have been able to gather all the paperwork and sent it off to be probated by a family attorney.. One more step down.. I am consistenly working as a self contractor as an educational consult. I have also made some progress with my mother's belongings and donating to various charities and people.. All through it making decisions that will change everything..

I have a couple of major decisions to make soon. I honestly don't know what to do but I will pray and ask god for some help.. My sister tells me to put my trust in god and he will take care of me.. To me that is frightening, I have faith but only recently just found it..

It seems that society is making decisions that are changing the lives of many people so I am not alone.. Here is a song that I find inspiring.. Enjoy

Memo

I have just returned from a 7 hour viewing for my mom. My sister loving decided that a longer viewing would allow people to come in spurts and we (family) won't be overwhelmed like we were when my father passed. However and memo #1, visitors always come within the last 2 hours..so you are in a lull for 5 hours.. very boring and mind numbing.. memo #2 do not have expectations for a viewing.. We had a handful of people visit vs my father's where it was standing rm only.. although, today my third grade visited.. wow! memo #3 coming home after it really makes the reality of it all hit home.. I was blessed to have a tree hugger friend who was with me through out it all.. But, in the end I am now home alone without my mom and the prospect of her coming home.. I went into her room today, smelled her clothes, and realized that this was it, she was gone and I am home alone.. memo #4 love you family.. you will appreciate it and keep in touch with family friends.. do not let time or your schedule interrupt your friendship... these people are your past and will help remind/ground you through out this all.. My mom had a couple of friends in her life that were constant but somewhat distant.. My uncle Merle and Margaret.. Merle is a wonderful, kind, gentle, sincere, and funny man who friendship with my mo spanned 40 yrs.. Margaret is a fiercely independent (like my mom), compassionate, resourceful, and wise who met my mom and began a friendship that help each other raise their kids..memo #5 take each day step by step.. and have an idea of what to do with what.. and for now memo #6 take time for yourself to grieve..